‘DON’T MENTION MAXIME’
I WROTE THE CONSERVATIVES’ ELECTION PLAN FOR THEM. THEY’RE WELCOME!
As the federal Conservatives convene in Halifax this week to decide how to be firm on principle yet flexible on policy so as to oust those unprincipled, doctrinaire Liberals, I put my crystal ball on my head and time-travel slightly to save them time, trouble and hair-pulling by foretelling for you, and them, what they will decide this weekend.
Taxes: As the party of free markets and limited government, we propose a sweeping simplification of the tax system that preserves every deduction, credit and loophole that might win us votes. Spending: As the party of free markets and limited government, we will balance the budget, abolish harmful regulations and promote prosperity without eliminating any programs, cutting publicsector jobs, jeopardizing health and safety or cutting any form of spending, however foolish, that might win us votes.
Health care: As the party of free markets and limited government, we will abolish waiting lists, improve technology, and impose best-management techniques while respecting Canada’s decentralized federalism by insisting the provinces use Soviet-style central planning or lose their subsidies so we don’t get abused as uncaring American-style villains and lose votes.
Supply management: As the party of free markets and limited government, we will defend rickety, antiquated 1970s-style central planning that seeks to make Canadians richer by preventing the production of food, rips off the poor, infuriates our trading partners and seems to buy votes in Quebec. No one will say the name “Maxime Bernier” ever, under any circumstances.
Energy policy: As the party of prosperity and free markets, we will praise pipelines unless Justin Trudeau builds one. But we will also claim to believe man-made global warming is the biggest threat humanity has ever faced so we must not burn oil, even if it arrives by train or tanker. Unless we do. Can we talk about something else? Freedom of speech and association: As the party of principled liberty, we will defend your right to say anything that does not create a clear and present danger, and to associate or refuse to associate with anyone you like … provided nobody is offended and the CBC doesn’t criticize us.
Foreign policy: As the party of principled liberty, we will criticize foreign tyrants unless Justin Trudeau gets there first, in which case we will criticize him as a blundering amateur. Or unless they are Chinese, in which case we will ask what sort of trade and investment deals might result from sewing our lips shut that could win us votes by creating jobs, jobs, jobs. National defence: As the party of strong national defence, we will reinvigorate this, purchase that and upgrade the other while resolutely refusing to divert funds to military procurement from popular social programs that seem to win us votes. Nobody will say the words “ballistic missile defence” ever, under any circumstances. Equalization: As the party of free markets and limited government, we will make grumpy noises about this program in Western Canada while pledging to preserve it in its entirety in Quebec, the Atlantic Provinces, Ontario or anywhere else we think it might help us buy votes.
Immigration: As the party of traditional Canadian values, we will make grumpy noises about illegal immigration and multiculturalism in Western Canada while pledging to bring in at least a quarter of a million people a year to settle in suburban Toronto and Vancouver ridings where they might vote for us. Nobody will say the word burka ever, under any circumstances. Multiculturalism: As the party of traditional Canadian values, we will make grumpy noises about Justin Trudeau’s view of Canada as the first post-modern nation but if pressed will panic, insist that right and wrong do not exist, say there is nothing to admire about our past and diversity is the strength of our strong diversity, apologize for anything to anybody and remove all statues except of Pierre Trudeau. Nobody will mention female genital mutilation or barbarism ever, under any circumstances. Or Maxime Bernier. Abortion: Given our devotion to human rights based on natural law, no one will say this word ever, under any circumstances. Or euthanasia. Or reproductive choice. Or the sanctity of life. Or … anything. Just schtum. Seriously. We have an election to win.
Gay marriage: See abortion. Social issues: See gay marriage. Better yet, don’t. Nothing to see here folks. Change the subject to tax policy quiiiiiick.
Religious freedom: I know not what thou sayest.
In conclusion, we will stand boldly on principle, shifting our footing only when it seems expedient, we have a panic attack or pollsters tell us it might bring in votes.
Oh by the way, the leader and his team may ignore, contradict or misrepresent anything in this document at any time if it seems likely to bring in votes.
WE WILL PRAISE PIPELINES UNLESS JUSTIN TRUDEAU BUILDS ONE.