This means war
Hear me out: all those kingdoms in made-for-TV Christmas movies are embroiled in a violent conflict
Gather ‘round children. Let me tell you the story of a small, picture-postcard kingdom off the coast of um, Europe, probably. It is known as Aldovia (A Christmas Prince, 2017). Or Belgravia (The Princess Switch, 2018). Or Madelvia (My Christmas Prince, 2017). And sure, Cordinia (A Royal Christmas, 2014), Castlebury (A Princess for Christmas, 2011) or Winshire (Crown for Christmas, 2015).
Pine trees and castles abound. In these small kingdoms, the nobles speak with watered-down British accents, and the princes all bear a remarkable resemblance to one another, being tall of stature, symmetrical of face and bland of personality. The hair colour of these Richards and Maximillians and Ashtons and Leopolds is most often betwixt brown and blonde.
This is among the many striking similarities in the kingdoms of Christmas TV movies airing on Hallmark, Lifetime and Netflix: the princes all look awfully, awfully similar. And while it’s tempting to draw the conclusion that there have been centuries of inbreeding among the blue bloods of these small Euroesque monarchies, this actually belies an even darker undercurrent of implication that runs through these films. It suggests that offscreen, all of these magical Christmassy kingdoms have been embroiled in a long-running and exhausting armed conflict with one another. Hear me out.
As part of the Christmas TV movie template, the similarly looking princes inevitably end up falling in love with someone outside of their royal court. The begrudging acceptance of commoners, largely of the sassy American variety, into the heart of these ancient houses is as much a part of these movies as falling snow. Occasionally, there is mild suspicion (A Christmas Prince) or even outright contempt (A Royal Christmas) for these lowly ladies. But eventually, the American teacher/maid/journalist/baker/seamstress is enthusiastically welcomed.
This supports the idea that these small kingdoms are so desperate for diplomatic ties to the outside world that they hope to entangle as many U.S. citizens within their nobility as possible. Why the struggle to align themselves with a world power? Well, obviously because these kingdoms have most likely been at war with one another.
How else do we explain the Castlebury-Aldovia paradox?
In 2011, Castlebury (A Princess for Christmas) appears to be an autonomous region, “just a stone’s throw from Liechtenstein” according to some butler. It has its own airline, Castlebury Airlines, that flies direct to Buffalo, New York and even a castle, known as … Castlebury Hall.
But, years later, that very same castle appears in Aldovia (A Christmas Prince). Did Aldovia storm Castlebury, seize their castle and rename the country? Is that why the region is so preoccupied with who will take the crown next? Is that how the King of Aldovia died, forcing Prince Richard to decide on Christmas Day whether or not he will abdicate? Even the oath the future king must take references war and peace.
Other dead nobles include the Queen of Winshire (Crown for Christmas) and the King of Cordinia (A Royal Christmas). Are these royals being taken out by other enemy kingdoms?
And then there are the orphans. So many, many orphans.
The Belgravia orphanage is the saddest example. The institution is so overrun with orphans that they can only afford a small, sad, Charlie Brown-style Christmas tree and nary a single Christmas present. That is until the royals intervene in the spirit of giving and noblesse-oblige (The Princess Switch). Cordinia has it’s plucky orphan-girl Poppy (A Royal Christmas) and Prince Whatshisface loves rough-housing with the local orphans of Aldovia (A Christmas Prince). How did so many of these parents die?
Thus, it’s entirely possible that there have been clashes between the countries, cutting off adults in their prime and leaving large populations of orphans behind. And maybe one of these days the kingdoms will find themselves engaged in a series of alliances and clashes akin to Game of Thrones.
The snow is falling. Winter is coming. Perhaps one day we will see Lacey Chabert on the Iron Throne?