Orphan football? Hokey as a movie gets

12 Mighty Orphans

Cast: Luke Wilson,

Martin Sheen Director: Ty Roberts

Duration: 1 h 58 m Available: Screening now

Toronto and Vancouver.

OK, team. This is the big push. It’s the fourth quarter, the clock is ticking, and we’re down to our last down.

And that’s how we’re going to play the end game. Now, we’ve got Ty Roberts as quarterback and director, but a team’s only as good as its weakest player, so here’s the rest of the side:

Luke, I want you to star as “Rusty” Russell, who joins an orphanage in Fort Worth, Tex., during the Dust Bowl, to teach a bunch of scrappy orphans how to play the game. You’ve got PTSD from the First World War — don’t worry, we’ll spell it out in several long, black-andwhite flashbacks.

Vinessa Shaw, you’re the wife. You won’t have much to do or too many lines, but we’ve got an evil character who’s going to say: “Orphan football? That’s as dumb as letting women vote!” So you know we’re there with your female struggle.

Sheen? Martin Sheen? Ah, there you are. You’ll be Doc Hall, assistant coach. You’ve got a drinking habit but it’s not a problem, more of an endearing affectation. You’re also going to provide narration. You know, stuff like: “Orphans were stigmatized as misfits and outcasts, and often referred to not as orphans but as inmates.”

Wayne Knight, you’ve got a tough job. You’re going to be the No. 1 villain in this game, stealing and lying and cheating and beating the orphans with a big stick you’ve named Bertha. Nobody’s going to like you very much.

Robert Duvall, you’re old and tired. We’re just going to put you in a couple of scenes where you can smile crankily. The rest of you guys — Jacob Lofland, Jake Austin Walker, etc., — you’re the orphans. I know most of you are in your 20s, so show up clean-shaven and try to look young!

Ready? Forty-two, popcorn, capacity limits, hut hut hut! ★★