Don’t eat yourself up over it

I’d like to clarify something from the outset: I’m not looking to eat human flesh. But whenever I’m on a plane, I still mentally prepare to eat the person next to me.

No, I’m not talking about a game I play to pass the time before the in-flight movie begins. As I buckle in and force a whiteknuckle grip on my arm rests, I inevitably have a Donner party nightmare scenario run through my mind, and I wonder which of my companions I could stomach were I forced into a cannibalism-or-starvation dilemma.

Imagine it: You’re on your way to a ski vacation in the Alps when the engines conk out and the plane drops. You wake up isolated atop a mountain with no visible vegetation, no wildlife and no way to signal for help. There are only a few survivors.

At what point do you have “the conversation?”

Certainly, you don’t want to appear too eager. But our entire existence as a species is owed to our survival instinct. Eventually, being stranded long enough is going to push the survivors toward cannibalism.

There’s no etiquette book spelling out the appropriate amount of time to wait, and obviously each situation is going to be different. You don’t want to dig in when perfectly fine rations of food remain available, or if you know a rescue is imminent.

Given adequate hydration, the human body can survive more than three weeks without food. But the alpine cold is going to be drawing more energy in this situation than normal … and the temperature is low enough to preserve the bodies.

I would say waiting five to seven days after all other rations have been depleted is respectful – an amount of time you could justify to your fellow survivors, and enough rationalization to only slightly scar your psyche should you ever be rescued.

Of course, if I’m being honest, I would never be the one to suggest cannibalism. The only thing stronger than my survival instinct is the drive to avoid embarrassment. I never complain. If invited to a dinner party, the host could theoretically never serve anything, and I’d even overstay my welcome just to prove that the lack of sustenance didn’t affect me. In that sense, I’m the perfect dinner guest.

Come to think of it, I’m surprised more people don’t want to travel with me.