WHO’S YOUR TORY?

IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD LEADERSHIP RACE

Our guide — covering everything from catchphrases to pet policies — to the Conservative Party leadership campaign … and how to tell the 14 candidates apart.

1. What candidate says about … abortion.

❚ Pro-life, and since we’re on the subject, I’m also not too pleased with gays marrying. (Lemieux, Trost)

❚ I don’t like abortion, but won’t make it illegal. (Raitt) ❚ I’ll let MPs debate it. (Bernier) ❚ The abortion question is resolved. (Scheer, O’Toole, Leitch, Chong, Alexander, Saxton, Blaney, Obhrai) ❚ I’m pro-choice. (Peterson) ❚ Why are you, a Conservative, asking me about abortion? Is it because you hate winning elections? (O’Leary) 2. What candidate says about … supply management of eggs, poultry and dairy. ❚ End it. (Bernier) ❚ Keep it. (Alexander, Scheer, Leitch, O’Toole, Lemieux, Obhrai, Saxton)

❚ Anyone advocating an end to supply management is an elitist farm-hater. (Blaney)

❚ There’s nothing wrong with supply management that can’t be fixed with more exports to China. (Trost) ❚ I love farmers. (Raitt, Peterson, Chong) ❚ If we’re going to be renegotiating trade agreements, I’m afraid we need to renegotiate supply management. (O’Leary) 3. What candidate says about … screening immigrants for “Canadian Values.”

❚ Why just immigrants? Screen visitors too! (Leitch)

❚ Canada already does a fine job of screening immigrants. (Obhrai, Bernier, Alexander, O’Toole)

❚ More face-to-face interviews! (Lemieux, Blaney, Saxton)

❚ Value screening is an “Orwellian” bureaucratic dystopia in the making. (Peterson)

❚ The proposal is “un-Canadian.” (O’Leary)

❚ Oh God, shut up about the screening

thing. (Chong, Raitt, Obhrai, Scheer) 4. What candidates say about … carbon tax.

❚ Keep it, but make it revenue neutral. (Chong)

❚ Instead, tell businesses to reduce emissions. Jail them if they fail. (O’Leary)

❚ It won’t help stop climate change. (Bernier)

❚ No, just no. (O’Toole, Raitt, Alexander, Bernier, Scheer, Peterson, Lemieux, Leitch, Obhrai, Blaney)

❚ Pfft, man-made climate change isn’t real. (Trost)

❚ No carbon tax unless the Americans also have one. (Saxton) 5. What candidate says about … CBC. ❚ Dismantle it. (Trost, Obhrai) ❚ Dismantle it, except for that part of the CBC that tells people about tornadoes and such. (Leitch)

❚ Stop it from doing anything that a private broadcaster could do. (Bernier)

❚ Cut it down to a news channel, stop with the terrible scripted programming. (Peterson)

❚ I don’t know. Dial back the Trudeau funding-boosts, I guess? (Raitt, Alexander, Blaney, Chong, Lemieux, O’Toole, Saxton, Scheer) 6. French language acumen.

❚ Fluent. (Alexander, Peterson, Blaney, Bernier, Chong)

❚ Pretends they’re fluent. (Scheer, Saxton, Lemieux) ❚ Rusty but adorable. (O’Toole) ❚ “Pardonay moi, monsir, oo et la beebleeothekey?” (Leitch, Raitt, O’Leary, Trost)

❚ You know what? Screw French. (Obhrai) 7. Where candidate grew up. ❚ On a farm. (Chong, Trost) ❚ On the hard-knock streets of Atlantic Canada. (Raitt, O’Toole)

❚ On the hard-knock streets outside Canada. (Obhrai, O’Leary)

❚ On the hard-knock streets of Quebec. (Blaney, Bernier)

❚ On the hard-knock streets of Western Canada. (Leitch, Peterson, Saxton)

❚ In Ottawa, but … I was born in Saskatchewan and love it very much. (Scheer)

❚ Just outside Ottawa (possibly hardknock. (Lemieux)

❚ [Quiet voice if speaking outside GTA In Toronto. (Alexander) 8. Preferred number of letters after candidates’ name. ❚ Two. (Saxton, Obhrai, Chong) ❚ Four. (Peterson) ❚ Five (Blaney, Trost) ❚ Six. (Alexander) ❚ Seven. (Lemieux) ❚ Nine. (O’Toole) ❚ Ten. (Bernier)

❚ Eleven. (Raitt) ❚ Seventeen. (Leitch) 9. Candidates’ parliamentary experience.

❚ Former cabinet minister. (Alexander, Bernier, Blaney, Raitt, O’Toole, Chong)

❚ Sitting MP. (Chong, Leitch, Obhrai, O’Toole, Scheer, Trost, Bernier, Blaney)

❚ Defeated MP. (Lemieux, Saxton, Alexander)

❚ May or may not have ever been inside the House of Commons. (Peterson, O’Leary)

❚ Whatever. (One vote to each) 10. Preferred appearance of Tory leader.

❚ Male pattern baldness. (O’Toole, O’Leary, Blaney, Peterson)

❚ Non-threatening baby face. (Chong, Scheer)

❚ Stephen Harper-esque. (Lemieux, Trost) ❚ Actually good-looking somehow. (Bernier) ❚ Lady. (Raitt, Leitch) ❚ Constantly wearing scarf, regardless of weather. (Obhrai)

❚ I don’t care; all people are beautiful. (One vote to all) 11. What candidate says they’ll do when they meet Donald Trump. ❚ I’ll be super professional. (Trost) ❚ I’ ll impress him by inviting American investment into Canada. (Peterson)

❚ I’ll tell him that Canada has his back on the international stage. (Alexander)

❚ He’ll trust me because Americans know me from TV. (O’Leary)

❚ I’m totally Trump North, so we’ll get along. (Leitch)

❚ I’ ll tell him I abolished supply management, opening up a new market for American farmers. (Bernier)

❚ I’ll get his respect by boosting Canadian participation in NATO and offering a replacement to NAFTA. (Obhrai)

❚ I talk about fighting ISIS a lot, so there’s that. (Blaney)

❚ Unlike a certain Prime Minister, I won’t seem so eager to renegotiate trade agreements. (O’Toole)

❚ Nice talk about free trade won’t work, I’ll have to recruit pro-Canadian allies in U.S. business. (Scheer)

❚ Please stop mentioning Trump. We do other things. (Chong, Raitt)

❚ Did I mention that I’m a businessman, too? (Saxton) 12. What candidate says about … marijuana.

❚ I don’t like it, but what are you going to do? I’ll just tax the hell out of it. (Peterson)

❚ Keep it medical. No recreational use. (Leitch, Blaney, Obhrai, Trost)

❚ It’s going to be legal. Get used to it. (O’Leary)

❚ Make it so legal that Marc Emery himself will endorse me. (Bernier)

❚ Decriminalization fine, but free-for-all not fine. (Chong)

❚ Well, we certainly wouldn’t put pot in