FRIENDS ARE NOT FRIENDS FOREVER

When a long-term relationship dissolves, things get divided. While you may not be able to cut a roomba or a microwave in two – how useful would half a kitchen appliance be anyway? – you can negotiate who gets to stay in the apartment, who retains custody of the kettle and which of you keeps the shared Netflix account. And so, when two become ones, ones do. But beyond material possessions, there is another thing awaiting to be split up whenever a relationship has run its course: the friend group. You can always go out and buy a new toaster, but flesh and blood friends are not quite so easily replaced.

After your partner introduces you to their pals from college or the crew from CrossFit, you become a member of a pack. You’ll share brunches and be at each other’s Super Bowl parties. Hell, you may even become their kid’s godparent. But, after a breakup, the social norm is for you to distance yourself from the friends your ex brought into your circle.

Just think of celebrity exes Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. When they were together, Jen was regularly seen with Ben’s BFF Matt Damon. Garner and Damon’s wife used to take their kids on play dates to the beach together! Then, Jen and The Second Worst Batman of All Time divorced. While it was Affleck who cheated with the nanny in 2015, Jen was the one who had to drop the Damons. This attitude we observe in celebrity culture plays out all the time among our own, non-famous friend groups too.

Friends are not like finances or furniture, though. Breaking up with a romantic partner is difficult enough; it should not necessitate breaking up with dear friends just because your former partner knew them first. Of course, if such friendships with your ex’s friends have hope of being maintained, it is necessary for you to show some tact. Keep contact with your former partner’s chums, but you don’t want to show up at their high school reunion. You should also create respectful boundaries, like not bringing a new flame to a mutual friend’s birthday. But other than those faux pas, don’t be afraid to text a member of your previous partner’s posse.

So if you’re reading this, Jen, give Matt a call. After all, he was your friend too.