IT’S NO WONDER THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN’T LIVE UP TO RED CARPET IDEALS

Toronto tried it), which attaches robotic-looking panels to your fat pocket of choice and lasers it until it melts, whimpers and dies. The procedure is mostly painless, slightly burn-y and will likely run you at least a grand. Alternatively, you could opt for CoolScultping, which literally freezes fat cells and has been described as “excruciating.”

Once your body is in tip-top mannequin shape, it’s time to dye yourself the sought-after shade of Malibu Barbie. The importance of colour accuracy cannot be overstated, lest you turn out looking like a Donald Trump action figure. No one visits tanning salons anymore. Instead, they suffer the indignity and exorbitant expense of summoning a spray tan professional to their home, where they erect a temporary tent and bronze your naked bod to perfection. Since you’re sure to inhale a fair amount of spray, it’s best to request 100 per cent organic brands like Vita Liberata to prevent morphing into a threeeyed fish at a later date.

To perfect your skin’s tone and texture, you have several appealing options to choose from, none of which are that cutesy Korean sheet mask your best friend swears by. Among these options are: dermarolling (rolling needles over your face), laser facials (burning your face to the point it stimulates increased collagen production, but doesn’t leave you permanently scarred) and chemical peels. Or you can inject yourself with a variety of freezing and plumping liquids.

Physical pain may be avoided, but financial pain can’t. The pain-free route involves Madonna, Brad Pitt and Sharon Stone-approved Biologique Recherche facials, which run between $275 and $450 a pop at Toronto’s Lac Beauty. After all, you can’t put a price tag on a beauty line that’s been called, “Jesus in a bottle.”

But you can put a price tag on hair extensions (believe it or not, your fave celebs’ hair probably isn’t all their own), which run between $1,000 and $5,000 if you don’t want them to methodically rip your natural hair out clump by clump or melt when you try to use heating tools.

Then there are the layers of Spanx you can stuff yourself into like a jumbo sausage attempting to squeeze into an extra-small casing to smooth any bumps the jump squats and lasers didn’t get. And the B12 injections almost everyone gets before film festivals so they can power through rounds of champagne, miles of photographers and hoards of screaming fans on a near-empty stomach and three hours sleep. Don’t forget the chiropractor visits to perfect your posing posture and appear taller, slimmer and more confident.

When you add it all up, it’s no wonder the average person can’t live up to red carpet ideals (and after reading this, why would they want to?). Hollywood-style beauty isn’t cheap, painless or time efficient – and I haven’t even told you about the recovery routine yet.