Dog waste and the social contract

At some point during the last decade, the world went doggo crazy. Instagram and Twitter serve as cuteness fire hoses, spraying dog photos across the land. Entire social media empires were built by providing instant access to Good Dogs when you need them most. This is an understandable trend in our waking nightmare of a modern world, but it comes at a cost.

Without fail, during my daily walk to school alongside my young children, we’re forced to slalom through a field of urban landmines. The invisible hand of gentrification means I’m not dodging needles or bullets or blood and guts; instead fresh loads of dog crap are ready to ruin the day of unsuspecting shoes, noses and aesthetic sensibilities.

There are no larger societal ills at play here, and as such there is no civil lever to make this problem disappear. No governmental outreach can correct it and no GoFundMe sob story will prevent it.

Despite the dark thoughts that flash through my mind during a close encounter of the turd kind, dogs are not the problem. Sure, they’re the source of the problem, in a very literal sense, but the scourge of unscooped sidewalks is not a problem to lay at the feet of our canine friends. The problem lies with irresponsible owners, who may well be lower than the sidewalks and lawns they thoughtlessly sully. Dog poop on the sidewalk is the product of sheer, unabashed laziness in its purest form.

As the cold winter months dawn, the problem only gets worse. Subzero temperatures and a decrease in sunlight hours turns otherwise diligent owners into antisocial criminals, leaving a trail of digested kibble in their wake. All winter long, urban snowbanks turn into vile chemical toilets, where all manner of dog waste is entombed under the snow and ice. Temporarily buried, of course. The spring thaw takes a perverse twist as oceans of liquified poop wash across sidewalks as a winter of neglect is laid bare. It’s tempting to demand vigilante justice, and envision a crew of goons swinging sacks full of hammers throughout the nation. Be forewarned, negligent owners: if you leave your dog’s dirt on the street, they are coming for you.

But this is not a moral issue for them, it’s simply a matter of effort. There isn’t anything controversial about a plea to clean up after your animals, yet it remains necessary. Hold up your end of the social contract, lest our secret poop police brand you with the chestnut letter.