National Post (National Edition)
Which Chris is the best Chris?
AN UNSCIENTIFIC RANKING OF HOLLY WOOD’S MOST CH-RISMATIC LEADING MEN
Chris, a short form for Christopher, Christophe or Christina, is one of North America’s most common names. You likely knew a Chris growing up, you probably went to school with a Chris, and even today, there’s probably a Chris within a 10-metre radius of your workspace. You might even be a Chris. Perhaps you even found yourself lost in Tropical Storm Chris in 1982 (when, incidentally, the name was at peak popularity), or maybe you’ve had the pleasure of dining at Ruth’s Chris Steak House.
Either way or anyway, you know a Chris.
Hollywood is not immune to the abundance of Chris, the most famous of whom include: Evans, Hemsworth, Pine, Pratt.
In the last five years, these handsome gentlemen have occupied prime real estate at the top of Hollywood’s A-list, collectively starring in just about every major franchise to hit the box office. They each possess their own distinct charm, and the debate over which is best, middling and worst of the four has raged for the last year or so.
Fortunately, we know the right answer to this constantly asked question. As such, here is our absolutely official, completely objective, not biased at all, definitive ranking:
4.
Chris Pratt
A jack of all trades, there was a brief window when Pratt could have easily been the winningest Chris. Let’s travel back to 2013, just after the release of the Oscarwinning Zero Dark Thirty, Pratt’s first major dramatic film. Barely a supporting actor, he brought a particular set of skills no one else did: body, body, body. And he took care to let the world know, posting an infamous shirtless selfie post-workout during filming, in which he’d transformed his Parks & Recreation dad bod into a sculpted drink of water. A thirst trap indeed, the photo went viral and quickly escalated Pratt from funny guy to hot, funny guy — a special cocktail in Hollywood that became his brand.
One can only rely on a schtick for so long, however, and Pratt’s expired relatively recently, subjecting us to clunker after clunker, including Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Jurassic World, The Magnificent Seven, and Passengers, all within the span of two years. TWO. YEARS. And with news of his divorce from fellow hot, funny person Anna Faris, whatever bonus points Pratt had have, well, disappeared.
3.
Chris Pine
Did you know that Chris Pine has an Emmy nomination? It’s for his voice-over performance in the children’s animated series Supermansion. And while I’d like to say he’s not the sort of actor who will see any hardware anytime soon, Hollywood notoriously loves to reward mediocrity.
Like Pratt, Pine really only needed one franchise to launch him into the realm of stratosphere celebrity. Star Trek (reupped with Wonder Woman) pivoted him into a Tumblr and fan-favourite. Never mind that his resume is decorated with an assortment of movies Lifetime would reject. Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with the ideal rom-com leading man.
But while he might look the part of a Gregory Peck with his perma-smile, delicately tousled hair, surprising baritone and lean build, let’s not forget this is the same man who took second billing to Lindsay Lohan in the 2006 classic Just My Luck. Though, there is something to be said for Pine attempting to angle his career into serious, independent actor territory with movies like Hell or High Water. Maybe there’s a future of substantial roles for him. Let’s consider him the Chris most likely to improve.
Also, this:
2.
Chris Hemsworth
Here’s the thing about relying on your looks: if you’re so far at the top of your class that even your classmates kneel before you — to borrow a phrase from Loki — what does it matter?
With the sort of physique Hollywood could literally be built on, Hemsworth has fashioned a career based almost entirely on his body in much the same way Arnold Schwarzenegger once did. Except in Hemsworth’s case, he actually does have some talent, best evidenced in the recently hilarious Thor: Ragnarok and the Ghostbusters reboot (in which he steals just about every scene alongside four comedy heavyweights).
With a resumé that’s mostly taken up by Avengers, it’s interesting to wonder where his career could go. While it may not offer much depth intellectually, it certainly could at the box office. He is, after all, beloved by both male and female fans and is, to put it simply, the human man version of Sunny Delight.
His personal life also happens to be less GQ, more Hallmark. He’s been married to actress Elsa Pataky for seven years, with three young children with whom he often Instagrams himself roughhousing. Never mind his most recognizable character, Chris Hemsworth is, truly, a god among men.
1.
Chris Evans
He may not be able to pull off a moustache as well as the rest of the Chris club, but if anyone is the whole package, it’s Evans. Handsome, funny, talented; he’s also surprisingly accessible.
Lovable is indeed the word. Evans recently dated comedian Jenny Slate on-and-off for over a year, who said this about him in a recent New York profile, postbreak-up: “He’s really vulnerable, and he’s really straightforward. He’s like primary colours. He has beautiful, big, strong emotions, and he’s really sure of them. It’s just wonderful to be around. His heart is probably golden-coloured, if you could paint it. Chris is truly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. To the point where sometimes I would look at him and it would kind of break my heart.”
So, yeah, he’s sort of the Mr. Rogers of the Marvel franchise. With an excitable energy and an oozing positivity, there’s just something authentic and endearing about Evans and the charm he resonates onscreen. He’s only just getting started at trying his hand in drama, but if Snowpiercer or Steve Rogers’s signature moments of angst are anything to go by, it’s an avenue full of potential.
But that doesn’t mean he can’t throw a few punches or outrun the best of them, especially with those arms and his infamous and well-memed “shoulder waste ratio of a Dorito,” which led to Robert Downey, Jr naturally nicknaming him after the chip.
He also really loves his dog. Like, a lot.
Evans is also incredibly vocal when it comes to politics. He has spoken out on everything from gun control to climate change, and he supported the troops by going on a massive USO tour in 2016. His Twitter is, frankly, a delight.
Honestly, when it comes to Captain America and Chris Evans, what’s the difference?
HONOURABLE MENTION
Conjoined Chrises. The more, the merrier. We’ ll take it!
Though, notice the common denominator ...