National Post (National Edition)
Did you read the joke about the Irish spy in released CIA documents?
THE CIA HAS DECLASSIFIED A BUNCH OF JOKES. HERE ARE THE BEST ONES
Over the last few years, the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency has released nearly one million declassified documents online. Spanning an era from the Second World War all the way to the 1990s, the release includes more than 12 million pages of briefings and topsecret cables.
And as American historian Gene Zubovich pointed out in a viral tweet this week, some of these documents contain some pretty good jokes. Intrigued, the National Post sifted through hundreds of formerly classified U.S. intelligence reports and found these zingers.
A worker standing in a liquor line says “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.” Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” “No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”
This is from a document entitled “Soviet Jokes” that was prepared for the CIA’S deputy director in the 1980s. The jokes were all told among Soviets themselves, and were apparently gathered by CIA operatives.
Cuba is now the biggest country in the world: Its bureaucracy is in Havana, the government is in Africa, and the population is in Florida.
This is from a 1986 letter sent to the CIA’S then-deputy director, future secretary of defence Robert Gates. In it, a subordinate gives him this “all-but-foolproof ” joke to yuk it up during a speech to an outside agency. “Everyone laughs at this one,” the subordinate added.
A man goes into a shop and asks “you don’t have any meat?” “No,” replies the sales lady. “We don’t have any fish. It’s the store across the street that doesn’t have any meat.”
Another one from the “Soviet Jokes” document. Late in his presidency, Ronald Reagan became fond of telling crowds that he had a “new hobby” of “collecting” dissident Soviet jokes. This may be evidence that one of the CIA’S duties under Reagan was to flesh out the president’s joke collection.
There was an agent overseas and he happened to be in Ireland and there was an emergency and it was necessary to contact him immediately. So they called in another agent and they said “now, you’ll go there. His name is Murphy and your recognition will be to say ‘’tis a fair day but it’ll be lovelier this evening.’” So he went to ireland and—a little town in Ireland, into the pub, elbowed himself up to the bar, ordered a drink and then said to the bartender, “how would I get in touch with Murphy?” And the bartender says “well, if it’s Murphy the farmer you want, it’s two miles down the road and it’s the farm on the left.” He said “if it’s Murphy the bootmaker, he’s on the second floor of the building across the street. And,” he says, “my name is Murphy.” So he picked up the drink and he said “well, ‘tis a fair day but it’ll be lovelier this evening.” “Oh,” he said, “it’s Murphy the spy you want. Well, he’s – “
This is from a 1982 speech by president Ronald Reagan at CIA headquarters. He led the address with this Irish joke, noting “it’s one of the few stories that I can tell now since ethnic jokes are a no-no.”
A Russian reappears in Moscow after an absence of 15 years and explains he had been in prison for saying Joseph Stalin was a fathead. “That’s a long sentence for criticizing the leader,” a sympathetic friend told him. “Oh, I only got a year for that,” Ivan replied. “The other 14 years was for revealing a state secret.”
This one was told in public by CIA head Allan Dulles. There were no opinion polls in the Communist Bloc, so the CIA was often left to gauge the public mood by figuring out what kind of jokes were floating around. This joke was particularly popular, and a version of it has existed in dozens of Communist or authoritarian countries.
An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell, “To hell with Ronald Reagan.” The Russian replies: “That’s nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, ‘To hell with Ronald Reagan,’ too.”
This is also from the “Soviet Jokes” document, and a version of it would become a favourite of Reagan himself. The president even told it during a summit meeting with Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev, and reported getting a laugh in response.
An American Army officer once joked that a way to stymie Soviet spies would be to feed them all 19.6 million classified U.S. documents, requiring them to spend years sifting the entire pile, much of it useless.
This is from a 1985 Associated Press story. It may not be a tremendously funny joke, but becomes much funnier when considering that it too became a classified CIA document soon after its release. Only in 2012, after carefully “sanitizing” the document, did the CIA feel secure in declassifying it.