SET YOUR HOUSE IN PERFECT ORDER BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE THE WORLD

I’m feeling judged by Jordan Peterson. He’s so certain about how the world works and how people should be, and I know I’m not living up to his standard. I’m doing friendship wrong, and I still compare myself to other people all the time, and if I had kids, I’d probably be doing that wrong, too. On top of it all, I’m likely only a middling sort of lobster.

I wanted to do Rule 6 perfectly, to prove I could do something right. I spent a week on it, trying to set my house in perfect order. It was good timing. I’d just moved and was still unpacking my apartment. I can attest to Peterson’s claim that if your

life is in disarray, you will be less equipped to deal with everything else. Every time I walked in the door and saw all the boxes, I was filled with an oppressive sense of dread.

Still, it’s not that easy to put your house in perfect order, as it turns out. That’s because you have to borrow someone’s car and go to IKEA, and then you spend seven hours building a damn dresser because it has a million pieces and of course you put the top on backwards, which sets you back, and then when you’re finally done with that, you realize there are all these other things you don’t have, like a garbage can and a dish rack, so you go out and buy those things, but all the boxes are still waiting for you when you get home. Then a week passes and it’s still not done, and you try to explain that it’s because you’re working and you don’t have time, but you can still feel Jordan Peterson judging you despite your best intentions.