The Christmas Shoes (2002)

Wall Street meets The Red Shoes

Rob Lowe plays a heartless businessman whose fate is intertwined with that of a dying woman. In the realm of Christmas-themed movies about dying matriarchs, this one is a perfect storm of saccharine romanticism, evil corporate influences and ugly Christmas sweaters.

A Christmas Prince (2017) Pride and Prejudice meets The Prince & Me

The monarchy is (unfortunately) cool again, which half-explains the popularity of Netflix’s A Christmas Prince. A copy-editor is sent on her first writing assignment to investigate a royal family, and along the way, her spontaneous American traditions melt the icy hearts of her uptight European hosts. With cardboard sets, waxy actors and over-lit cinematography, the movie is little more than an odd-couple romance set in an enormous dollhouse.

Christmas Inheritance (2017) The Bachelor meets Groundhog Day

A back-flipping heiress is sent by her father to a small town to deliver a letter and to hopefully learn important life lessons from the humble village folk. This film features some truly bizarre comedy set-pieces, including an exploding vacuum cleaner. Christmas Inheritance also relies heavily on the cinematic legacy of Andie McDowell to endear an audience to a — let’s be honest — stupid premise.

Christmas at Cartwright’s (2014) Mrs. Doubtfire meets Cyrano de Bergerac

Alicia Witt plays Nicky, a desperate single mom who ends up as the mall Santa. As Nicky tries to keep her identity secret, she’s also plagued by an uptight mall manager and her daughter’s obsessive desire for a new father named Bill (not a specific Bill, just any man named Bill). In a progressive twist (for a Hallmark film), the movie suggests that Santa’s gender doesn’t really matter and maybe moms do a lot more heavy Christmas lifting than they’re given credit for.

The Holiday Calendar (2018) This is Us meets Love & Basketball

A “best friends fall in love” story with a magical antique advent calendar thrown in, The Holiday Calendar is a film with no concept of what a cheap studio apartment looks like, or how photography works. In spite of this, the movie is charming thanks largely to the beautiful and charismatic cast. The movie’s villain, a self-serving doctor who likes to bring dates to homeless shelters to flex his charitable credibility, adds some much-needed tension to the movie.

To Grandmother’s House We Go (1992) Home Alone meets Little Miss Sunshine

If you grew up between 1985 and 2000, chances are you had a lot of exposure to the Olsen Twins Business Empire. Amidst all their straight-toTV movies, none have the enduring charm of To Grandmother’s House We Go, a cross-country road film where the twins are at their cutest (and also most racist). The movie infamously features a scene where the two adorable twins tip a black jazz musician with pieces of fried chicken.

Christmas Chronicles (2018) The Thing meets The Santa Clause

2018 is the year of the Daddy: first Thanos, then John Huston and now Santa Claus. In the newest Netflix special, Kurt Russell dons an all-time great beard and plays a sassy and sexy Santa who is joined by two youths to save the holidays. The movie is all over the place and features Minionlevel CGI elf abominations, but Russell has enough charm to sustain dozens of mid-tier TV movies.

The Princess Switch (2018) The Parent Trap meets The Simpsons episode “Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield” (a.k.a. the one where Marge buys a Chanel suit)

A candy-coloured dream written and directed by computers, The Princess Switch is a classic Prince and the Pauper story starring Vanessa Hudgens in a double role as a duchess and a Chicago baker. This absolutely soulless film is so unabashedly constructed by algorithms that it is as gratingly delightful as it is undeniably pleasing. Pure camp Christmas bliss brought to you by our future A.I. overlords.

The Greatest Store in the World (1999) Dawn of the Dead meets Reindeer Games

We all have a weird Christmas TV movie classic we watched as a child, and for my family, it was The Greatest Store in the World. A BBC production about a homeless single mom and her three kids who hide out in a department store overnight, the film is equal parts social drama and heist film. In a very 1999 move, the film features a very important cameo appearance by the pop group S Club 7.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas (2016) American Beauty meets The Way We Were

James Brolin stars and directs this vehicle for two Barbra Streisand songs. He plays a hardened ex-cop who reunites with his daughter, Mena Suvari, a struggling single mom. Together, through the magic of Christmas, both learn to love again. Surprisingly gritty, Brolin throws out the soft-filters and flood lighting emblematic of most Christmas movies to create a more down to earth portrait of relatable hardship.

A Very Merry Mix-Up (2013) The Imposter meets Hugo

Alicia Witt (who else?) finds a magic clock, eats some grey tofu, gets a concussion and finds herself in a classic case of mistaken identity. Channelling the electric energy of Gilmore Girls dialogue, Witt singlehandedly elevates this film to a minor holiday classic. Relying heavily on the power of holiday miracles and the intense unlikeability of colon-cleansing green drinks, A Very Merry Mix-Up is just weird enough to be actually good.

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986) 9 to 5 meets Hocus Pocus

Directed by The Fonz, A Smoky Moutain Christmas stars Dolly Parton as an overworked country music artist who escapes to the Smoky Mountains, is pursued by an evil witch and shacks up with a ramshackle group of orphans. From the pink-toned world of Parton’s Hollywood mansion to the earthier world of the backwoods, A Smoky Mountain Christmas has it all: music, pie, magic and the ever-important holiday message: Don’t trust the cops.