THE THRONE SPEECH YOU'LL NEVER HEAR.

Here is a speech from the throne you won't be hearing tomorrow.

Greetings, y'all Canadians. This speech from the throne event is becoming an annual event! It was only last year that I traipsed down this beautiful hall to sit on this ornate chair to deliver the intentions of my government for the upcoming session. Little did I expect that a virus from China would turn the world upside down, leading to an early proroguing of Parliament. You might think my government was avoiding its third ethical scandal, but it actually needed time to rethink its agenda to “build a better Canada.” So more personal days were needed.

I have to admit I was a bit jealous last year when I saw that the Queen gets to wear a beautiful imperial crown to deliver a normally pretty boring speech. This year, U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson didn't like the pomp and circumstance, so Queen Elizabeth just wore a simple dress with no crown. I no longer feel like a second-class Queen's appointee, so I decided not to read the exact speech given to me by the prime minister. After all, having been in outer space, I know Canadians could use a little levity (hope you get the pun).

Let's begin with a little history. Since last March, a lot of Canadians became sick. And those that didn't get sick got scared that they would get sick, too. My government and the provinces had to lock down the economy to “flatten the curve,” so our beleaguered hospitals wouldn't get overrun with sick patients.

To put this in nerdy economic lingo, this was a “supply shock,” as many people quit working and businesses closed down. People needed help, so my government took out the hosepipe and sprayed Canada with $20 bills with Queen Elizabeth's picture on it (note to myself, I should get that changed). So much money was spent that personal incomes actually went up during the pandemic. After all, my government said that deficits don't matter so it decided to rack up close to a $400-billion deficit. At almost a fifth of gross domestic product, it is one of the highest in the world.

Today, we are still managing the virus. The economy has not snapped back and probably won't for a while. So what will my government do?

Obviously, one answer is to keep the hosepipe spraying. Even though unemployment is beginning to fall, my government's voters like having manna fall from heaven. But if that were all that my government plans to do, then why the heck did it prorogue Parliament? Isn't it time to get to plant-based beef rather than the mouldy bread and talk about recovery?

Now, with a supply shock, Canadians might think that my government's new policies will be designed to put Canadians back to work. That would require building up Canada's productive capacity. Before the pandemic, Canada had a good record of creating jobs, but not high-paying jobs. Private investment had fallen by almost 10 per cent since 2014 in every major industry except for residential real estate. Investment in intellectual property is falling and businesses are failing to invest in new technologies. As a share of our economy, foreign direct investment has fallen and, for quite some time, Canadians have been investing more abroad than at home. Canada was losing its attractiveness even before the pandemic hit.

Now we need to get all Canadians back to work with more pay. That takes more private investment, more innovation and the adoption of new technologies, along with government spending on infrastructure, research and education.

So my government will dismantle costly regulatory processes that impede investment and don't serve the public interest. It will simplify the tax system and encourage Canadians to invest at home. Money will be spent on building roads, highways, ports and rail to bring our resources to international markets and for people to get around our cities. My government will simplify the regulatory system for transportation by creating approved corridors and provide opportunities for our First Nations to share in the benefits from resource development.

My government will also encourage companies to adopt new technologies. It will enable the fast development of 5G technology to catch up to other countries (our Australian cousins are several years ahead of us). It will place Canada at the forefront of clean energy development, relying on Canada's existing advantages due to its vibrant mining, oil and gas industries.

Canadians might be surprised that my government is not talking about a guaranteed annual income or pharmacare. If we don't grow, we won't have enough money to make that growth inclusive. Besides, getting people back to work with higher-paying jobs is much better than paying people not to work.

Along with the provinces, my government will begin a review of social programs to make them more effective and less costly. People trying to climb out of poverty face many unfair obstacles including close to a 100 per cent marginal tax and clawback rates when they earn more income. We need to help Canadians get back to work with better retraining programs, child care and wage subsidies.

So what is my government's “build back better” strategy? A stronger, more vibrant Canada that provides opportunities to all.