Separation anxiety and the pandemic

The pandemic continues to place enormous strain on our relationships. The anxiety of living through a global disaster, combined with being stuck at home together, is proving to be toxic for some couples. Why are so many relationships under threat? Although there isn't yet much research, here are my clinical observations:

NO TIME TO ADJUST

Every year, the number of couples who seek counselling to repair or end their relationship increases just after Christmas, New Year and summer holidays — when they've spent more time together than usual, without the balancing effect of friends and social activities.

When it comes to lockdowns, not only have couples been thrown together: the first time, they were forced to do so without preparation. Adjustment had to be instant, without previous experience or role models for guidance. Under such circumstances, tension in relationships is inevitable.

Lack of stimulation or novelty: cooped up with the same person for long periods can lead to boredom and a strong desire for change, preferably something or someone new and exciting. It's easy to see how this can translate into a desire for a fling or a new relationship.

CARPE DIEM

Whenever there's a serious threat to our existence, there's the tendency to take risks, to feel that now might be the last chance to fulfil a fantasy. When the future feels threatened, little thought is given to consequences.

Some relationships might have ended this year anyway, without a pandemic to increase the tension. And some couples may feel better off if they do separate. But before you do anything to jeopardize your relationship, and/ or before you decide it is irreparable, ask yourself:

1. What have you done to increase the tension between you? Tension and conflict are never entirely the result of one person's actions. Could you behave differently, and if so, how might that help?

2. What's different or feels wrong today that wasn't an issue this time last year? This will help you filter out the stresses attributable to current circumstances (which will end), and those endemic to your relationship.

3. How do you speak to your partner? John Gottman at the University of Washington urges couples to avoid the “four horsemen:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Instead, listen non-judgmentally, offer suggestions and compliments when appropriate, and look for compromise.

4. Finally, think beyond your present disquiet. What did you enjoy doing together when you first met? What could you plan to do together in, say, two years' time? This will help you regain perspective and offers you the chance to look beyond our current distress.