January is `divorce month'

My ex and I transformed our home into a space that would continue to house our family while giving us the room to become single

`Wow … that's very New York,” said the man in a blue puffy jacket as his puppy romped with mine in the park. He said his dog had two homes — one was his ex's just down the street and his, across town. I told him that my single-family house had recently been converted into two living areas to accommodate me, two dogs and two kids in one part and their dad in the other part.

“I think I read about this hipster trend in Toronto Life,” he quipped as he rolled his eyes.

He's not the only one who has felt compelled to evoke a bit of snark after hearing about my pandemic reno. Just that morning, a friend texted that January is known as “Divorce Month” in law circles — it's when Google and family lawyers see a surge in questions about how to make a clean marital break. “Seize the month,” she wrote, using the strong-arm emoji as punctuation.

Since my ex and I began the process of extricating ourselves from a 16-year marriage in 2019, transforming our home into a space that would continue to house our family while giving us the space to become single, there has been no end to the unhelpful commentary.

From my mother's — “Eww, will he have women down there?” — to a work colleague's doubtful, “I can't imagine breathing the same air as my ex,” the tone of these conversations tends to waver from a way-to-take-one-for-theteam enthusiasm to a dejected weariness. It's as if choosing not to cut your husband completely loose is a spectacular opportunity lost.

For sure, choosing to live under the same roof is not the usual route for divorcees. But a non-traditional approach — especially when you are hoping to smooth the transition for kids — is not unheard of.

Some couples simply sleep in separate bedrooms. Others take a “birds nest” approach, in which the kids stay in the family home and each parent takes turns staying with them. Others find creative ways of living physically separately in the same home, either by connecting two homes or like us, simply dividing the existing structure.

Obviously, our living arrangement is not without its awkwardness. I hate the smell of frozen burgers that wafts up through the vents and his faint sneezes put me on edge. Plus, I try to ignore the fact that since the kids' rooms are upstairs with me, only one of us is going to be getting lucky under this roof.

I am sure he has beefs too. His space, although newly renovated, is small, with no real closet space and not a lot of natural light. And the not-so-quiet pitter-patter of paws over his head early every morning can't be amazing.

Despite all this, we have agreed that the split house, in all its strangeness, is good for the ones who tend to bear the brunt of a parental separation — the kids.

There are countless studies that show children of divorce are more likely to experience anxiety and depression than their peers from two-parent families. They are also more at risk of having trouble at school, developing behavioural issues and experiencing difficulty maintaining social connections.

And while these findings make me wonder if we have scarred our kids forever, it turns out that for every study that says divorce is bad for kids, there are just as many that suggest it can be a positive.

But before you giddily text your lawyer, know that finding family nirvana amid divorce doesn't happen naturally. In fact, it depends a lot on what professor Michael Lamb calls a “supportive childhood.”

Lamb has found that a child's wellbeing isn't so much defined by the existence of marriage and being under one roof as it is by a decent home life and a loving relationship with parents who aren't stuck in conflict.

There are an unlimited number of reasons people decide to split the sheets — the top three, according to experts, are a lack of commitment, infidelity and conflict.

For the record, none of these applied to us — we just stopped having fun.

I haven't come up with a smart reply for people who can't resist commenting that I should get “a real divorce,” I do know that, as I send my kids downstairs for dinner with their dad and hear the warm buzz of conversation, it feels right. Maybe not for years and years, but for now, if it means our children feel love and not loss, I'll take the sneezes and stinky dinners.