Is love ageless?
Older partners bring wisdom and experience to a relationship,
So what if, between them, Barbara Lewis and John Szwaronek have a few wrinkles and some creaky joints? These two have chemistry. Lewis, 59, and Szwaronek, 60, met in 2007 and have been living together at Szwaronek’s home in a borough of Montreal since 2008. Lewis, a professional singer, was widowed for three years when she met Szwaronek through an online dating service.
“As soon as I saw his pictures, I thought, ‘There’s my guy.’”
The couple had their first date at a café.
“She came in with red jeans and red shoes and I thought, ‘ That can’t be all bad’,” recalled Szwaronek, a software developer.
Neither were strangers to love. Lewis and her husband had been together nearly 30 years; Szwaronek had divorced after 17 years of marriage. Yet falling in love later in life turned out to be a joyful surprise for both of them.
“I had a great, great marriage, but I wasn’t looking to do it over again,” Lewis said. “I wanted to rub up against someone every day as you do in a marriage — to get to know him deeply over a long time. I missed that. I also missed the sex.”
Is love better the second time around? Do older people make wiser choices when it comes to falling in love?
Psychologist Mary Harsany is researching these questions. Harsany’s interest in the topic developed when several of her friends fell in love after the age of 50. Harsany says that while there is no guarantee of romantic happiness at any age, older partners can bring wisdom — and a deep sense of appreciation — to their relationships.
“In the course of their lives, some people learn. Others keep choosing the same partner over and over. If you have learned from your experiences and/or do some work on yourself, in terms of therapy or reflection, you may find you can do better with someone who’s quite different from your first partner,” Harsany said.
Szwaronek says Lewis is nothing like the women in whom he was once interested.
“Before, I was more attracted to women who had issues. Barbara has taught me the peacefulness of not having so much drama,” he said.
As for Lewis, in some ways, Szwaronek reminds her of her husband.
“They both had rough upbringings and something really strong inside,” she said.
Lewis never expected, however, to live outside of Montreal.
“When John first brought me here, I thought it was out in the sticks. I remember thinking, ‘ This is a totally different life from what I thought I would have.’”
Missy Bordoff and David Fishman fell in love four years ago, when they were both 48 — with six children between them. Fishman contacted Bordoff when he spotted her profile on a dating website. He reminded her they had gone to high school together.
For Bordoff, a dental assistant who divorced after 28 years of marriage, falling in love as a grown-up was as exhilarating as falling in love at 15.
“It felt the same in the way of the excitement and the niceness,” she said.
Only this time, Bordoff was looking for different traits in a partner.
“It was a question of what’s important for me now. David is solid and trustworthy. He was so sympathetic and good with my kids,” Bordoff said.
Though Fishman appreciates his wife’s good looks (he calls her “my beauty girl”), her appearance was a bonus.
“I knew exactly the kind of person I wanted to be with. The type of person she was on the inside mattered to me more than the outside,” he said.
‘As we age, we become very aware of the time we have left. That may sound morbid, but it can actually enhance our relationships and our lives. The relationship can be more intense.’
MARY HARSANY, psychologist
Older couples, said Harsany, are often more keenly aware of time’s passage.
“As we age, we become very aware of the time we have left. That may sound morbid, but it can actually enhance our relationships and our lives. The relationship can be more intense,” Harsany said.
That may help explain why, four months after their first date, Bordoff and Fishman bought a house together — and why Fishman did not believe in a long engagement. He proposed to Bordoff at a family barbecue in celebration of her 50th birthday.
“When I said yes, he said, ‘I have another surprise for you!’ Then my three closest friends, and a rabbi and cantor showed up. My father walked me down the balcony stairs,” Bordoff recalled.
Love can strike at any age.
“Romantic love is a transformative experience,” Harsany said. “Aphrodite is the goddess of love. She transforms. She will shake your life up.”
That’s what happened to William MacDonald when he walked into a McDonald’s in 2011 and first laid eyes on Lorraine Le Blanc.
“I had my tray and I was looking for a place to sit. I looked to where this lovely lady with white curly hair was and I said, ‘It’s a nice day, isn’t it?’”
MacDonald, now 94, and Le Blanc, 92, were both widowed; MacDonald twice. Soon after they met, Le Blanc told MacDonald she had been planning to move into the seniors’ residence where he lived.
The couple have separate apartments — MacDonald is on the third floor; Le Blanc is on the fourth. “I phone her every morning and ask, ‘How are you?’ and ‘ Do you mind if I come up?’”
The pair seem surprised when asked if they ever fight. Both rarely argued with their spouses.
“We only fought over how much salt to put in the food. I like more salt,” Le Blanc said.
MacDonald shares the strategy that worked for him.
“I never had fights with any of my women. You’ve got to put your brain in gear before you open your mouth.”
MacDonald and Le Blanc have their own chemistry.
“At 94, you go along with nature,” MacDonald said. “When I was in the army, they drilled one thing into us, ‘Improvise!’ We still cuddle and kiss.”
Harsany believes couples who find happiness when they are older can teach the rest of us a thing or two.
“Don’t give up,” Harsany said. “If you want it, love is still possible at any age.”
Couples like these also remind us how important it is to cherish those we love.
“If we can start cherishing and appreciating at a younger age, maybe our romantic relationships will be more successful,” Harsany added.