He has to want to quit drinking

Q: I’m 29, in a four-year relationship. I wasn’t aware of his problem with alcohol until he’d sporadically visit his older brother, drink, and not return for a day or days.

He’s gotten a really amazing job, and has been working and responsible as a family man. But every couple of months he goes to his brother’s place and messes up. I’ve given him an ultimatum: to either stay away from his brother, or leave me and the life we built together.

My boyfriend’s chosen to stay, but feels he doesn’t need to inform his brother — just not answer his calls or visit him.

However, he’s tried this several times and was unsuccessful. He’s tried to go into rehab and treatment, but we don’t have money or good insurance to cover all of that.

— Desperate and Fed Up

A: Your boyfriend’s problem is alcohol, not another person. His brother’s an enabler, but he’s the secondary problem. Your guy has to want, as desperately as you do, to not mess up again.

You’re doing the right thing by calling him on the situation, but be clear that it’s about him and his drinking.

Money isn’t required to join a sobriety program like Alcoholics Anonymous, and there are others too, if that doesn’t suit. But AA is a good start – he’ll see himself reflected in many other people of all walks of life, background, ages, and gender, who’ve hit bottom and realized it’s up to them to save themselves.