KUTCHER’S BACK ON THE RANCH
Here’s what’s on the radar screen in TV, music and film for the coming week.
MOVIES
Big release on April 1: None (studios avoided this week like Kryptonite) Big picture: Blame the 1-2 punch of Batman v Superman, and the Amityville curse.
This weeks only planned wide release, Amityville: The Awakening, was pushed back to 2017.
I predict the superhero mashup’s success will have other ominous consequences; in fact, the upcoming roster of 2016 blockbusters would have looked a lot different if made today.
Hybrids are hot! Imagine Captain America: Jungle Book, in which Baloo finds a thawed Second World War super soldier and teaches him the bear necessities of life; Ghostbusters vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; X-Men: Sorority Rising, in which an obnoxious sorority moves in next door to Charles Xavier’s mansion; or Neighbors 2: Apocalypse, in which Zac Efron’s career finally comes to an end; or Star Trek: Jason Bourne, in which Matt Damon’s titular killing machine travels to the future and takes up where Khan left off — while also out-hustling Captain Kirk in space alien seduction. Forecast: You think I’m kidding about mash-ups? I guarantee some video editor is already splicing together this summer’s footage to pit The King of the Jungle against Mowgli. A mashup sequel titled The Legend of Tarzan vs. The Jungle Book: Civil War will surely be out by Christmas. I can’t wait for the Cheeta-Baloo fight scene.
TV
Big events: Rush Hour (March 31, CBS); The Ranch (April 1, Netflix); The Path (Showcase, March 31) Big picture: Limitless. Minority Report. The Firm.
How many more mediocre TV shows can we make out of slightly less mediocre films?
Rush Hour recycles the buddy cop action comedy franchise, with Jon Foo taking over for Jackie Chan as a Hong Kong straight shooter, and Justin Hires replacing Chris Tucker as the wisecracking loose cannon from the LAPD.
Yawn. Does anyone really have the time — or need — to watch this?
Speaking of odd couples, Sam Elliott and Ashton Kutcher star in profanity-laced Netflix family sitcom, The Ranch.
Kutcher plays an inept, semipro football player who returns to help run the family — you guessed it — ranch. It sure beats his celeb friends getting Punk’d, or watching Kutcher dine on Charlie Sheen’s comedy leftovers.
Meanwhile, The Path is true. From Friday Night Lights’ producer Jason Katims, it stars Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad), Michelle Monaghan (True Detective) and Hugh Dancy (Hannibal). The drama follows a conflicted family at the heart of a controversial cult.
Sex, mysteries, crime and mysticism intertwine. This drama is addictive, haunting and full of surprises.
The Path is worth following. Forecast: Rush Hour will get stuck in neutral, while Kutcher will find his own footing on The Ranch.
The Path has the potential to become one of TV’s great cable dramas. I just hope they don’t introduce a twist that involves the cult secretly being run by Tom Cruise.
MUSIC
Big releases on April 1: Weezer (The White Album); Cheap Trick (Bang, Zoom, Crazy ... Hello); Pet Shop Boys (Super) Big picture: Weezer is running out of colours. Forever haunted by their flawless debut Blue Album, they just can’t seem to find another rainbow connection.
Don’t get me wrong, the wry alternative band have still had some decent singles, but frontman Rivers Cuomo had nowhere to go but down after scaling their musical Mount Everest.
Weezer’s White Album promises a return to their ’90s heyday, a Beach Boys-esque and summer-inspired alternative album with playful, sarcastic songs like Thank God for Girls, King of the World, Do You Wanna Get High? and L.A. Girlz. Clearly, Cuomo is also having some kind of middleaged crisis.
Meanwhile, veteran rockers Cheap Trick win my award for “favourite album title created during a Scrabble game.”
This the their 17th effort; apparently Rick Nielsen still wants you to want him.
And, finally, Pet Shop Boys reopen the doors to their unique brand of electronic pop. Given their title choice, I presume their Scrabble game didn’t last very long. Forecast: As any Beatles’ fan will tell you, white is a great colour. Weezer will prove their sweater has yet to come undone.