UPPING YOUR GAMES
WORDS THAT SOUND FAMILIAR ... BUT AREN’T
Situation: You overhear people talking about birds and feathers, dead birds and kills. How to fake it: This is not a time to talk about the latest feeder you set up in your yard or the lovely birds you saw on your last hike. Nor should it trigger a diatribe about why cats should never be allowed outdoors. For this two-week period, and most likely only this two week period, you’ve probably stumbled upon a conversation about badminton. You can tell your friends that outside of North America, birdies are referred to as shuttlecocks. Bonus points: Tell your friends that the birdie is the fastest moving object in sports — faster than a baseball, golf ball or tennis ball. According to Olympic.ca, the world record is 493 km/h, while the record for speed during competition is 332 km/h. The fastest recorded tennis serve, by comparison, is 263.4 km/h. Double bonus: Tell your friends that no real birds have been killed intentionally at the Olympics since 1900, before real birds were replaced with clay pigeons in shooting.
WORDS THAT SOUND FAMILIAR ... BUT AREN’T, PART II
Situation: People are talking about birdies and eagles — and then someone mentions the word albatross. How to fake it: No matter how rarely you hear the word albatross, and how badly you want to show off your knowledge of the Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, do not. Nor should you assume this conversation is about badminton. It’s about golf. Yes, golf, which is back on the Olympic program for the first time since 1904. Tell your friends that the reigning Olympic gold medallist is Canadian. George Lyon, who also played on Canada’s national cricket team, won the men’s title in St. Louis in 1904. Bonus points: Tell your friends that golfers are actually more likely to record a hole in one than they are an albatross, which is a double eagle (or three strokes better than par on a given hole). Whereas the odds of making a hole in one are about 12,700 to 1 for your average golfer, the odds of making an albatross have been estimated at one million to 1 (others say the odds are as high as six million to one).
JUDGING
Situation: Co-workers are criticizing some judge in some sport who apparently cost someone a gold medal. How to fake it: You could take the easy route and blame the French judge — alluding to the figure skating scandal in Salt Lake City in 2002, when Canadian pairs skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier were screwed out of a gold medal, thanks to collusion between the French and Russian federations (eventually, the Canadians were awarded duplicate golds) — but these are the Summer Olympics, so it’s best to stick with a summer sport. Suggest to your friends that maybe it was slippery fingers, as it was in 1992 when Canadian Sylvie Frechette was robbed of a gold medal by a Brazilian judge who accidentally gave her a score of 8.7 instead of 9.7. That allowed American Kristen Babb-Sprague to win gold. After multiple appeals, Frechette eventually was upgraded to gold. Bonus points: Say with a laugh that at least the unfortunate athlete didn’t pull an “Angel Matos.” At the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, the 2004 Olympic taekwondo champion from Cuba kicked a Swedish referee in the face after being disqualified in the 80-kg bronze-medal match.
EFFORT
Situation: Colleagues are criticizing some athlete you haven’t heard about for not giving 110 per cent and apparently trying to lose. How to fake it: Resist the urge to tell your co-workers that it’s impossible to give more than 100 per cent, given the conversation is about sports and not math. Instead, nod knowingly, roll your eyes, and say it’s like shuttlegate all over again. This is a clever reference to the badminton scandal at the 2012 Olympics in London that led to four women’s doubles teams being disqualified for trying to throw matches to secure a better draw in the quarter-finals. Bonus points: Remind your colleagues that the last time something like this happened it actually was good for Canada. Michele Li and Alex Bruce advanced to the bronze-medal badminton game in London before falling to Russia, giving Canada its best ever Olympic showing in the sport.
POLLUTION
Situation: Friends are sharing a photo of a couch, doll and other debris in some water. How to fake it: You know the Olympics are on so this has to be a photo of Rio — and there’s been a lot of talk about polluted waters. Suggest with a laugh that maybe organizers have created an obstacle course for swimmers — and that it wouldn’t be the first time. If your friends look at you blankly, tell them men competed in the 200-metre obstacle event at the 1900 Olympics in Paris. Instead of couches and dead fish, they had to navigate poles and rows of boats. The event was never staged again. Bonus points: Remind your friends that adding this new event could be a good thing for Canada, since Canadian athletes have typically done well when new events are added to the Olympics.