Trump’s next speech
Hello, thank you! It is so great to be here. Look at how many people are here today! No really, look around. People tell me all the time: “Mr. Trump, no one is able to attract crowds like you do.” And it’s true. There are thousands of people here — everywhere I go, they line up early to get in.
The media — they’re so dishonest — I know what they’re going to say: they’ll call this a “small gathering.” Does this look like a small gathering to you? I really think they’re obsessed with me or something because every day they print new lies. Awful. We really do need to do something so these guys can’t keep printing their lies. Maybe take away their licences, I don’t know. So dishonest. It’s terrible.
Anyway, yesterday I read in the newspaper that Crooked Hillary Clinton couldn’t get even get up the stairs at a campaign stop in Florida. Or North Carolina. Whatever, she couldn’t even — wait a minute, where’s that coughing coming from? Can someone please get that guy out of here? I don’t know if he’s a protester or something … Alan? Where’s Alan? Alan, get this guy out of here, OK? Maybe give him a cough drop or something — OK, what was I saying? Oh yeah: Crooked Hillary Clinton is too weak to even get up the stairs. I mean, I knew she was weak, but I just thought she was weak on ISIL!
You know, the media made such a big deal of me saying that Second Amendment activists should assassinate Hillary Clinton. That is not at all what I said. Believe me. If I wanted to say that, I would’ve just said it. That’s what people love about me: that I say what I think. I’m probably, like, the most honest guy to run for president ever. Anyway, all I said was that Second Amendment activists should do “something” about Hillary Clinton — I didn’t say what. Send her flowers for all I care! The Mexicans will probably shoot her, though. Gotta get that wall built, folks.
Speaking of that, Barack Obama is, like, the worst president ever, and we will repeal and replace ObamaCare. REPEAL AND REPLACE. It’s really awful. Costing us billions. And when I said that Obama was the founder of ISIL, I really meant it. No, he didn’t create a “vacuum” for ISIL, he literally runs it. Have you ever seen the guys with the masks and Obama in the same room at the same time? Didn’t think so. He’s running ISIL. He’s running it! He took over when Osama bin Laden was killed. Look it up.
I’m also pretty sure that Obama brought AIDS to America when he came over from Kenya. Not that I have anything against gay people. I love gay people! In fact, we have a couple gays on our team. They always say to me, “Mr. Trump, you are so accepting of our choice.” And they are really very nice people. Great guys.
Where was I? Oh yeah: we’re going to build a wall — we’re going to build that wall — and Mexico is going to pay for it. Because really, we’ve been so stupid, people. The Mexicans are just pouring over the border. And Crooked Hillary wants to bring in more refugees — she wants to bring in millions of them! — and we don’t know who they are or where they came from, and we can’t do it anymore! We can’t. ISIL poses a tremendous threat, just tremendous. And it needs to stop.
So I have a plan — I’ll tell you about it later — but let’s just say it involves nuclear weapons, 15,000 chewing gum wrappers all linked together, Tufted Saxifrage seeds and a couple of bottles of fine aged Trump wine. Trust me, I’m a dealmaker, I know what I’m doing. So ignore the polls — they’re rigged, anyway. When I am sworn is as president, I will end all international trade agreements, leave NATO, prosecute Ted Cruz’s father for killing JFK, and Make America Great Again! Thank you.