Take care of yourself in private

Q My partner of six years and I are very much in love, share many interests, and have built a life together. He’s my best friend.

Our sex life has been good for both of us; however, I have a much higher libido than he does. I often find myself initiating sex only for him to turn me down.

Despite my efforts to be understanding, and reassure him that it’s OK if he isn’t into it, the very fact that I want more sex than him makes him feel emasculated.

However, I’ve always been very sexual and I feel like I’m stifling that to protect his feelings.

I’ve raised this issue but don’t find him open to my taking care of myself when he’s not into it.

I’ve suggested introducing a toy so that we can still be intimate without putting pressure on his body. But he’s so fragile regarding this subject that we mostly argue about it and I’m accused of blaming him for having a lower libido.

We’re great at communicating on any other subject. I don’t wish to guilt or hurt him; I just don’t think either of us should have to try to alter how often we feel sexual.

Is there a way we can both feel sexually satisfied without one or the other feeling “wrong” about their libido? — Different Strokes

A You’re trying too hard to share this difference, instead of finding a solution for yourself.

While intimacy together is preferable to you, he’s been clear that he’s interested in it less often and wants less reminders of that reality.

So why does he have to be part of your “taking care of yourself ?”

If you did so privately (e.g. in the bath or when he’s gone out), it wouldn’t be a challenge to his masculinity.

Getting your own sexual counselling may help you accept this difference.

Meanwhile, if you stop raising the subject (which has become a constant presence between you), the pressure’s off him.

That’ll enhance your relationship, which you don’t want to risk.