Family abuse leaves lasting scars

Q I’m 23 and I’ve been with my wife for more than three years, married for a year and a half. She’s 20 and a victim of her father molesting her. She finally came forward during her Grade 8 year.

Her mother chose to believe her father, which made the court struggle immense. My wife was represented by a court-appointed lawyer, while the family spent their savings on a lawyer for her father. He isn’t allowed to be around my wife. She has two brothers, 17 and 15 now, and a sister, 9, all of whom still live with my wife’s father.

Everyone in the family talks about him in front of us. I’m struggling with even communicating with her family. The only thing that helps me get through a family gathering is that her father ran himself over with a water truck when my wife was finishing high school, less than three years ago.

Still, with the world pointing out the truth, her mother will never believe it. She says the therapist said my wife “wouldn’t tell the truth till she’s 25.” What can I do to feel better about my wife’s family and not hate them all? Concerned husband

A Follow your wife’s lead. If she wants and needs to be at family gatherings, then of course she also needs you along for support. If she still communicates with her mother, and allows conversations about her father, that’s her choice.

But she also has a right to change her mind about that if it bothers her, or affects you two as a couple. Hopefully, she’s had good counselling, but it’s not surprising if she needs ongoing professional help dealing with her mother, her siblings and what happened to her when she was so young and vulnerable. You’d also benefit from a counselling process along with her, to decide together how to handle this as a couple.

Of course, the family’s insensitivity infuriates you. But your wife needs your understanding and love most. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca @ellieadvice