Abuse is beyond ‘controlling’
Q How do you get back trust? My boyfriend doesn’t trust me, to the point where I have no friends or family, and can’t work. He won’t let me go to my sister’s place alone. I’m monitored on the Internet, and when he’s at work I have to swear on my kids’ lives that I won’t go anywhere. He says the reason for all this is because, when he was in jail, I tried to move on. Is he just controlling or what? There’s so much more but not enough time to explain. — I’m Lost
A I dearly hope that you’re using some other email address than the one he monitors and will find ways to keep doing that until you’re safely free from him.
He is NOT “just controlling” — he’s abusive and dangerous. He’s isolated you from family, friends, and your right to a normal life that includes those supports.
He’s stolen who you are and what you can accomplish through work, further education, volunteering, or any other way you might choose to be motivated, and self-satisfied.
Do not argue with him about this or things will get worse. Above all, you need safety for yourself and your children.
There are “distress helplines” and websites that can get you to a local women’s shelter for yourself and your children, plus a community agency for abused women to help you find work.
But make your calls and contacts only from private lines and email out of his control. Get your sister to visit and help you.
If you fear him too much for all this, you’re in even graver danger than you realize. Proceed cautiously, but seize any opportunity you can to get help.
He’s been in jail, and has a record. His abuse can land him back in jail. Do not believe that you can win back his “trust.”
Save yourself and your kids from his obsession with keeping you “imprisoned” by him. Feedback: Regarding the “Fearful Bride” who didn’t know about her husband’s anger issues until after they married (April 7): Reader: “Please tell her to ‘Run. Get out now!’ But do so safely, as men like this become even more dangerous when they know that you’re leaving or have left. A childhood friend of mine stayed with her abusive husband for 40 years until he killed her last year.
“By then she had no one but him, as her family and her own kids couldn’t stand seeing the abuse and her slow deterioration from it, physically and mentally.
“This woman also deserves better.” Ellie: As you can see above, I fully agree with you in many cases. But this woman’s story showed the possibility that her husband could benefit from therapy and medication as he’d already changed somewhat. So I recommended a separation period.
But if there’s no improvement, I agree she should leave permanently. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.
Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.