WET, WILD WEEKEND
Baywatch, Pirates lead us to the ocean in the coming days, Chris Lackner writes.
MOVIES
Big releases: Baywatch (May 25); Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 26)
Big picture: Finally, some fun in the sun. Baywatch is a selfaware, tongue-in-cheek homage to the 1990s cheese-ball sensation. The soap opera in swimsuits launched the career of Pamela Anderson, saved the career of David Hasselhoff and revolutionized TV production budgets by making 60 per cent of every episode female lifeguards running in slow motion. The movie revamp finds Dwayne Johnson adding some muscle to Hasselhoff ’s character, devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon. Zac Efron plays a cocky (he is dangerously close to being typecast) new recruit. Naturally, they uncover a criminal plot on their beachfront that threatens the future of the whole bay. This action-comedy pokes fun at the uniforms, the work (“there is more to this job than just swimming”), the professionalism (“our team is the elite of the elite”) and the absurd amount of nefarious plots and bad weather drawn to their Bermuda triangle of beaches.
Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow is back! Johnny Depp will never give up being a pirate — or the Caribbean! Never! Why? Because funding his lavish lifestyle requires an almost daily dose of coin from Disney’s treasure chest. This time our impish captain faces off against deadly, vengeful phantom sailors led by Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem). Speaking of typecasting, first Bond and now this? Has Bardem become Hollywood’s go-to villain? (Something about having an accent in Trump’s America, perhaps?)
Forecast: Johnson and Efron will find the perfect beach pose — eyebrows cocked and grins barely concealed. The beach boys will ride the waves at the box office, while this Pirate’s haul will disappoint compared to past plunder. As for the more distant future, Johnson seems serious about a run for U.S. president. Sigh …. If the U.S. president is only going to be a celebrity from now on, can we at least go with a George Clooney or Meryl Streep type? (On a side note: A Game of Thrones crossover I’d pay good money to see: Baywatch vs. the Nights Watch: Summer vs. Winter.)
TV
Big events: War Machine (May 26, Netflix); Love Connection (May 25, Fox/City); Dirty Dancing (May 24, ABC/CTV)
Big picture: Brad Pitt plays four-star General Glen McMahon based on the charismatic, controversial General Stanley McChrystal, who inherited a mess in Afghanistan — and was brought down by ego and a multifronted war he just couldn’t win. This dark comedy serves as half reality, and half parody (kind of like the current White House). This big-budget Netflix original movie could mark the beginning of the end for big-screen film. Meanwhile, Love Connection — another relic, this time from the ’80s — returns just when we needed it … I guess. A show about dating in our hook-up, Bachelorand-Bachelorette saturated culture? Wow! Andy Cohen hosts a show promising to be “hotter, wilder and more shocking than ever.” (Rule of thumb: Be suspicious of any self-description that ends in “than ever.”) As Cohen explains, “we’re doing the Lord’s work, we are making love connections.” It makes you want to laugh out loud — until you think through the implications. If God is spending most of the time playing Cupid, it could explain the general disaster that was 2016. Speaking of love, “nobody puts Baby in a corner.” The year 1987 makes its own contribution to this retro week with a revamp of the cherished movie starring the likes of Abigail Breslin, Debra Messing, Colt Prattes, Katey Sagal and Billy Dee Williams. The series’ producers hope you’ll have the time of your life, and you’ve never felt this way before.
Forecast: Call me old-fashioned, but Love Connection will prove almost cute. Three blind dates, and then good ol’ fashioned gossip on front of a studio audience? How refreshing! For once, no bedroom cams, hot tub cams, and living among your lusty competition for five minutes of fame. As for Dirty Dancing, I’d watch Lando Calrissian do just about anything. Sing your heart out, Billy Dee. MUSIC
Big release on May 26: Lana Del Rey (Lust For Life)
Big picture: “Take off all of your clothes,” the New York singer croons (her cries echoed by The Weeknd) on the grandiose, atmospheric title track. Get your mind out of the gutter? The spellbinding song is about dancing naked under the H of the Hollywood sign, and other impulsive, careless-and-carefree moments (like ordering a triple cheeseburger, or voting for Donald Trump). Del Rey and The Weeknd have mashed up their melancholy vibes before on the Canadian artist’s albums.
Their moody, fragile vocals haunt the same musical house. For her part, the album finds Del Rey moving slightly outside of her comfort zone: moody and cinematic.
Forecast: Sure, Del Rey has grown as an artist. But she also lifted her album title from Iggy Pop. And this is the week brought to you by nostalgia. Don’t you want to download the original Dirty Dancing soundtrack and daydream about Patrick Swayze’s fancy footwork?