Wife’s affair has been forgiven … but it’s still complicated

Q A couple of years ago, I caught my wife having an affair. We went through counselling and have a renewed commitment to our marriage.

She had the affair with her brother’s longtime friend. Only a few people outside of the two couples involved know about the affair. We haven’t told anyone and none of our family or friends have said anything.

But we had to make some changes in our life that people have questioned. The biggest one was giving up our longtime country club membership (he’s a member, as well). This cost us some friendships, which I miss.

Some family weddings are upcoming (my wife’s nieces and nephews). I’m worried this man will be invited to the weddings.

I’ve made changes to my life so I wouldn’t have to see him and experience the anger again.

I’ve decided if he shows up, I’ll leave. But I worry about the fallout with my wife. Feeling Alone

A You’re not alone. Your wife and you both made a commitment to make your marriage work.

For that purpose, you both have a right to make understandable requests: 1. She can ask her brother (if he’s aware of the affair) not to invite his friend because his sister’s marriage is more important. 2. If her brother feels he can’t do that, you have a right to tell your wife you can’t stomach seeing the guy and can’t attend. You’ll need an excuse that won’t cause others’ speculation.

The weddings involve her close family, so she likely feels she has to go. Try to accept this.

I’d like to be able to add another choice: you both attend the events together and ignore that man, showing that your marriage is solid. After only two years, that may be asking too much. Hopefully, that time will come.

Q My longtime wife and I have been adding a fictitious thirdparty (male) to our sex life.

In each fantasy, it’s someone she knows or works with, or men whom I know. It really spices things up for both of us.

Now, I can’t get the thought of real threesomes out of my head and I’d like to add a secret (but known) friend to a session.

She likes mild bondage, blindfolds and toys, but I’m unsure how she’d handle discovering someone she knows participating while she’s blindfolded and tied to our bed.

I’d never hurt her feelings or go against her wishes, but this is driving me crazy. Beyond Fantasy

A Here’s what’s “crazy” — having someone she knows be a surprise participant in bondage and sex play, without her consent!

Ask her, if you must. But make sure she knows exactly what you mean. Then make sure all three of you agree on boundaries.