It can take a lot of guts to override the heart

Q Should I follow my heart or

my gut? I met a guy two years ago at work. He talked harshly sometimes when very busy and stressed, and got angry quickly. But he changed a lot after a year and was more patient, a good listener and helpful to others.

He didn’t like to talk about himself, so I stopped asking. We like the same colours, reading the press and words of wisdom.

He did amazing things for me and I fell in love deeply. I’ve never before had those same feelings. He even expressed his feelings for me.

However, I noticed many differences between us and communication wasn’t that open. I never smoked but he was in a tobacco club. I noticed strange scents around him and worried he was into something else.

I didn’t feel comfortable when he made sexual jokes, as I come from a background where we don’t swear and always talk decently.

I was very disappointed after he said he was baptized last summer but wasn’t convinced he did a good thing. I was worried that if we were together, he wouldn’t allow me to go to church or to pray before dinner.

He seemed jealous of me whenever I talked to males at work, when I was just doing my job.

Having doubts, I saw a counsellor who said to have an open discussion about our expectations from each other and our worries. It never happened.

He had his own doubts about my feelings toward him. I got some answers for my direct questions very late on social media when it was too late, or when his moods were changing and the answer didn’t match his actions.

Before starting a separation process from my husband, I was advised to make sure the new relationship is for the better, as my preteen child seemed extremely affected by my first attempts to follow my heart.

(I never deeply loved my husband, but we had a great friendship for 13 years of marriage. But my trust in him was lost after some incidents).

As I realized the huge impact for all of us (choosing to move to a different city, dividing everything including my dream house, the emotional hurt for the kids and starting all over again, financial loss). I started to have gut pain and anxiety.

I still have to finish some school courses and settle some finances so I had to delay everything. I’ll have time to clear my mind.

Being far from my true love breaks my heart, but making so many changes gives me real gut pain. What should I do? A You’ve answered your own question from the start.

Whatever the attraction to this man, there’s not enough “there” there, to use a current phrase. Instead, he’s evasive, discloses little about himself. He’s jealous, and has different values from you.

You’re exposing yourself to major changes and a lot of unknowns. More troubling, you’re taking your children into very uncertain situations with a man who’ll likely react with anger.

Don’t do it. Get more counselling. Separate from your husband if that’s necessary.

But give yourself time to adjust and be independent before you lean on the wrong choice for change. Your gut is warning you.