Needy parents driving wedge between driven couple

Q I’m in love with my brilliant, driven and extremely caring boyfriend. We’re early 30s.

I’m career-focused, ambitious. We share dreams of travelling the world and starting our own business. My schedule’s packed between an office job and my side-business. His schedule is similar.

However, his family’s worrying me. They rely heavily on him for tasks and errands.

He spends much of his free time at their house. They’re middle-aged, but far from elderly. His mother calls him almost daily — often to unload her stress, which is then passed on to him. He long ago developed chronic anxiety. She’ll cry, saying how hard her life has been, and that she relies so heavily on her son.

Recently, she told me she knew there’d be a time when he’d have to leave but she can’t bear the thought. I’m empathetic when listening and always polite. The parents proposed that we should move in with them for at least part of the week to make things easier (for them). I refused. I can’t live in that stressful environment and spend my free time assisting her with house chores while my career suffers.

My boyfriend struggles with telling them “no.” But I feel his mother is trying to drive a wedge between us.

I remind him that if he wants to travel and run his own business, it’ll be impossible if his parents cannot be a little more proactive. He agrees. But he won’t raise it with her because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.

How do I begin dealing with this? Feeling Choked

A You both must deal with this now. You have a right to a future on your own. Consider what help his parents absolutely do need — for example regular cleaning help, access to grocery-shopping, periodic garden and house repair work, etc.

Decide together whether a once-weekly visit to look after some of the needs, plus a social visit together for lunch or dinner, is workable.

Evaluate whether paying for some help (maybe a cleaner or grocery-delivery service) will be necessary.

Together, tell his parents your plan and listen to their reaction (past any drama) for what may actually be essential to add or adjust. It won’t be an easy change, especially for his mother.

Q My wife is overly contrary. She’ll later realize it and apologize, but no matter what I suggest, she first says ‘no.’

The idea is always initially “wrong ” until she re-thinks it and realizes it’s OK. She’s the youngest child and grew up almost like an only child. It seems like she never had to compromise.

Example: I bought a barbecue. I’m the only one who cooks on one and initiates using it. It’s basically a purchase that allows me to cook for the family. But she didn’t like the number of burners on the one I chose.

How can I get her to stop being so negative? Tired of ‘No’

A You can’t “stop” another’s personality quirk.

But you can 1) accept that it’s likely to occur; 2) remember that it can change with a re-think, and; 3) discuss it as just a quirky reflex and have a funny buzzword to alert her, like “oh-oh.”

Try it.