Coming out to family requires thought

Q I’m a 21-year-old closeted gay male in a six-year relationship with a man, though still living with my parents.

I’m out to friends and some extended family, but my immediate family, including my parents, are unaware of this.

I’m extremely involved with his family, and it pains me that he doesn’t, and won’t ever, have that relationship with my family. My parents are extremely religious and homophobic. I’d be kicked out and ostracized.

My goal is to get a full-time job in my field and move out when I can afford it. However, as a recent graduate, I have a lot of student debt that I’m currently paying back to my parents, interest-free.

The duplicity has diminished my happy-go-lucky character, and I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression. Torn

A You’re very capable of relying on your own thoughts.

You entered into a committed relationship at 15, knowing the risk of your parents’ disapproval. The relationship’s lasted, you’ve stayed with your education and have clear goals.

If you ask several people their thoughts, you’ll get as many answers. For example:

1) You needed your parents’ financial help, why rock the boat?

2) You’re living with your parents while disrespecting their values, speak up and acknowledge who you are.

Along with being a gay male, another man’s partner, a student, you’re also their son.

Make a choice about coming out to them based on what you can live with, doing the least harm to the fewest people.

Q I’m three years into a relationship with one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. He ticks the checklist off in full. However, I dislike the sex.

I receive zero sexual gratification. I’ve tried to show him what gets me going, but he has no technique.

He’s not well equipped and refused to perform oral on me but is over-eager to receive it.

He gets offended when I suggest he try this or that. The topic has become difficult for me. When I think of him as a partner it’s all “aaahhh”... but when I think about the sex .... well, it’s “ewww.” At A Crossroads

A After three years, you’ve clearly separated the man from the intimate act. That’s accommodation. Three years from now, it may well be divisive.

You can rely on self-pleasuring for sexual release. You could read sex manuals together to improve his technique. Or he could see a sex therapist about his aversion to some sexual acts.