Woman needs to overlook baggage in quest to find her one true love
Q I’m an attractive, sexy, fit and independent woman, 37, who wonders, “Why can’t I find lasting love?”
I divorced eight years ago, it was mutual. We learned after marrying that we both had growing up to do still.
I worked on my career and enjoyed being single, until I fell deeply in love.
He was smart, funny, business-minded, responsible and very caring about me. And the sex was fantastic.
But even after spending every weekend together, travelling together, and texting or talking every night for almost a year, he admitted he “could not” say he loved me.
He said he’d been hurt too much in the past. He’d retreat when I was my most loving.
I understood and was patient until I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to be loved.
I worked hard at getting over him. I reconnected with my woman friends and started eating healthier, to feel better about myself and strong emotionally.
When I met a new guy months ago, I took it slow. Friends told me he was known to be distant to almost everyone, and he soon confided that he had personal “issues.” So we just talked and became closer friends.
He changed and became warm and affectionate and wanted to be my exclusive boyfriend, and we connected sexually. It was wonderful for a couple of months, then suddenly he went cold with no explanation, wanting only to be alone.
So where does that leave me? Alone, confused, hurt. What am I doing wrong? Need Love Too
A You’re doing nothing unusual or “wrong,” but ending up in relationships where you’re wrong for each other.
By your mid-30s, you and the men you date have had adult experiences that strongly affect attitudes and reactions.
The first guy was so deeply hurt before he met you that he couldn’t trust or accept that love could be lasting.
The other had issues which were so at the surface that his friends warned you. He warmed to you, but couldn’t stay so close.
You weren’t the problem for either man. They carried that baggage themselves.
Here’s what you need to know about seeking love at this stage: You have baggage, too. Everyone does. Get it out in the open early on — say upfront that you’re now interested in the long term, not in casual dating only.
Watch for early signs that some potential dates hold deep-rooted bitterness toward past partners, or speak of very dysfunctional former relationships, or have hang-ups, fears or anxieties that seem unusually strong.
Enjoy meeting new people and considering dating them, but don’t rush your judgment or your feelings.
Q I haven’t decided whether to attend my sister’s upcoming wedding.
I wasn’t asked to be part of the wedding, though an old friend of hers and her husband will be.
I didn’t receive a wedding invitation until the day after the RSVP final date.
We only got one because my mom kept asking her about it.
Also, she publicly bashed me on Facebook when I commented on why she’d cancelled her “stag and doe” (people thought they may’ve broken up but that wasn’t so).
After confronting her about her post, she won’t look me in the eye when my husband and I pick up my niece to go swimming. I’m not fond of her fiancé because he has a drinking problem. He’s driven my niece and nephew around after a few beers.
Do I respond, “No,” explaining that I feel she doesn’t want us there? Or, do I reply “Yes” so I don’t have to worry about my whole family being angry with me? Two Choices
A You’re an involved aunt despite these squabbles, and for the sake of her children and all the family, you should attend the wedding.
It’s obvious to your sister that you disapprove of her groom. Yet you’ll accomplish nothing by just showing attitude.
She needs a sister who’s seen as a voice of reason. You’ll then be able to gently discuss concerns about his driving when drinking, which puts her kids, her, and anyone else at risk.
You don’t want the whole family angry at you for not attending, because your opinions can then be ignored or misunderstood, especially if you express them unwisely.