Reconciliation will require work

Q How can I get back together with my ex?

We separated after 15 years together. I didn’t get along with her parents, but she often didn’t either.

Then her family did something that excluded me and our younger daughter. (I also have a teenage stepdaughter from her previous relationship.)

Both daughters have a health issue. Her getting pregnant again, which I wanted, became an issue because of the possibility of that occurring in another child.

So I didn’t use protection like I usually did. She got pregnant, but later said she had a miscarriage. I left when I discovered a text about her meeting up with another man. As far as I know they didn’t sleep together. She told me that when she saw him, she was just reaching out and she still loved me.

I know if I suggested getting together now, she’d say no. She’s only civil with me.

I see the kids one day on the weekend, sometimes during the week. I’ve asked to see them more. Friends say it’s been half a year, too long to keep hoping. I can’t believe that.

I’m just unsure how to get her to open up to me or how long it’ll take. We mostly only talk about the kids. I’m afraid to ask for more at this time.

But there must be a way — maybe by pushing her away to get her back and miss me?

I even post memories of a year ago or more on Facebook to see if that does anything.

We had a joint account with overdraft that she still uses.

She relies on that mostly. Though she works, her income isn’t enough. And my pay isn’t there now. I need help getting her back. Desperate

A You crossed a no go line, which makes reconciliation less likely to happen — though not yet lost. You purposefully tried to get her pregnant by not using protection, ignoring her fears of having a child with a health issue.

You now need to make it evident to her how sorry you are and say you understand how wrong it was.

Your wanting another child wasn’t enough, especially not by your being deceitful to make it happen.

Make a sincere apology regarding the pregnancy, be open about how to regain her trust and compromise on past issues.

Most important, tell her what you’re willing to do and to change, to prove your love.

Reader: Regarding a gay man, 21, worried about coming out to his homophobic parents

You told him to make a choice about coming out to them based on what he can live with, doing the least harm to the fewest people he cares about and who care about him.

What he can live with is the truth.

What harm would he be doing by allowing them to love him for who he really is?

Help him to have faith that being honest with our loved ones is always the best way to live.

Have faith that his family will love him even more once they have a chance to really know who he is.

Trust them to do the right and loving thing.

Ellie: Having told him to speak up and acknowledge who he is and having detailed his strengths and goals, I was encouraging him to tell his parents, as you are.