Great lovers are made, not born
Sex study sought people over 60, married 25+ years
According to Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, “great sex is like gardening.”
“If you walk past my garden in May, you’ll see some tulips,” said Dr. Kleinplatz, a clinical professor of psychology and director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa. “But I have neighbours with all kinds of beautiful flowers in all the magnificent shades of purple and blue that last from spring through autumn. That takes considerable devotion and effort, but if you’re doing it right, it doesn’t feel like work.”
Last year, Dr. Kleinplatz published a book, Sexuality and Ageing, with British psychiatrist Dr. Walter Bowman.
According to a study in Sexuality and Ageing, (the British spelling of Aging) “enduring erotic intimacy requires very high levels of embodiment; the capacity to be authentic within while connected and engaged with another; impressive rather than merely effective skills of verbal and non-verbal communication; and vulnerability combined with the freedom to take chances without worrying about making mistakes.”
In studying those who had made intimacy last a lifetime, “we learned great lovers are made, not born,” she said. “When we asked our participants ‘were you always like this?’ They laughed and said ‘it took a long time to reach this level.’ That was good news. You didn’t have to be born that way.”
When asked “how did you get there?” participants said, “They had to unlearn everything they’d learned about sexuality. They also learned from their own experience that in real life, if you want sex to get better and better, it’s going to take a lot of time and devotion.”
Since 1983, Dr. Kleinplatz has been teaching Human Sexuality at the University of Ottawa, where she received the Prix d’Excellence in 2000. “For over 25 years, I’ve struggled with a rather long waiting list,” said Dr. Kleinplatz, who focuses on optimal erotic intimacy, particularly in the elderly, disabled and marginalized populations. “The most common problems were low desire, low sexual frequency or sexual desire discrepancy.”
The waiting list was really bothering her, because she wanted to help more people, more quickly. She decided to look at the other end of the spectrum, people who “self-define as great lovers” rather than those with problems in hopes of learning what might make optimal erotic intimacy grow over a lifetime.
The researchers decided to advertise for “great lovers,” and started, among others, with what she jokingly calls “old married people.”
They sought out people over 60 who had been married over 25 years. “We decided to recruit people who self-identified as having ‘great sex.’ That led us to find out that yes, all kinds of people are willing to think outside the box and have erotic intimacy in a long-term relationship as they get older.”
And right now, her team of researchers is taking data from research on the components and facilitating factors of optimal sexual experiences and the lessons learned from the extraordinary lovers, and applying those for people of all ages. “We’re now seeing if we can take the lessons we’ve gleaned and if we can use those lessons to help with common problems. We can use the wisdom of extraordinary lovers to help couples who are struggling. By applying these many years of research, we can help other couples improve the quality of their erotic intimacy.
“We’re switching from a discourse of quantity-based sex to desirable sex. Sometimes when people have no sexual desire, it’s a sign of good judgment. Our research has found that the ‘cure’ for low desire is sex worth wanting.”