Therapy will help damage caused by negative, nasty mother

Q I’ve been on the “outs” with my mother since childhood. She’s self absorbed and manipulative. We were never close, things are much worse now. Nothing I’ve done was ever good enough. I’m tired of hearing that I’m fat, that my hair should be “this way,” that my house isn’t tidy. I no longer want to visit her and my father (who says nothing).

I told them that unless she stops criticizing me, and all I do, I couldn’t spend time with them. It triggers bad depression episodes.

Also, many years ago, there was a fight and she said she wished that she’d smothered me when I was a baby. I know she spoke in anger, but it stayed with me. Recently, I raised it. She turned away from me. All I wanted was an apology. Extremely Sad Daughter

A No wonder you’re sad and fed up. Angry or not, that was a hideous image she conjured for you which no child deserves to hear. The issue now is not your motherdaughter relationship. It’s saving you from that long-ago “threat.”

Get professional therapy to learn strategies to fight back mentally against her unfair, negative criticisms of you from childhood until now.

A process of therapy can help you re-frame your sense of self — who you are, not whom she decided you were or should be. It’ll change your life positively. You can then decide whether you feel strong enough to see her or not.