Temper concern with interest

Q My mother, late-60s, was widowed 10 years ago. My parents had enjoyed a very happy marriage. She’s attractive, fit, still works professionally and travels. My father left her well

off and she’s always had her own earnings, too.

Four months ago she met a man, 70, also widowed. He lives a continent away. They’ve seen each other twice in his country for five days total, when she visited our family there.

He’s proposed. They plan to live six months in each of their cities. She says it’s her last chance at having love and companionship, and I should trust her judgment.

But I’m worried that if it turns out badly, it could bring huge stress and affect her health. How is a son supposed to protect and advise his mother? Worried

A It’s natural to want to “protect” her, but so long as she seems comfortable and certain, show interest, not alarm.

Get to know him through her — asking about his friends and close family, plus his work and life in his community.

If she has few answers, that’s a concern. Connect with him through Skype, along with her. Encourage both that he visit your city and her close people soon, before rushing the wedding plans.

It’s also fair to ask your mother what she knows of his financial state, just as he’s entitled to know hers. Stay close and supportive during this time, in case either of you see red flags to question.

Feedback: Regarding the man whose mother-in-law instigated his divorce. Reader: You mention that the wife will need to explain the grandmother’s interference to their son who misses his father.

But why is it ‘the father’ who must suffer the loss of the relationship? I hope that society and the legal system still don’t assume that the mother’s always the best option for the child. Ellie: Good point. But the father said: “Each of the three times she’s visited, my wife asked me for a divorce. When she leaves, my wife wants me back. My world and my son’s world have been torn apart.”

The best interests of the child should be the family court’s deciding factor in custody, access, and support issues.