Examine your own feelings

Q I wrote you several months ago about wanting to express my feelings for a co-worker.

My husband and I are now moving across the country and my friend/co-worker expressed recently that he used to have feelings for me.

I didn’t bring this up first. He initiated the conversation. It seemed he’d made a choice not to tell me about those feelings because he was in a relationship, and also considered our job a career.

It sounded like he didn’t want to take a risk potentially compromising his career if we didn’t work out.

I told him I had feelings for him, also in the past, but realized too late.

Now I’m tempted to ask if he still has those feelings, as I do.

I’d never have an affair. However, don’t we all deserve our best chance?

How does one choose a path here? He may choose for me by saying that he wants to continue with his wife.

But I feel like I can’t make the same mistake twice and hide my feelings. Unsure Again A When you previously wrote me, you said that you still loved your husband. You also said that your co-worker had been flirty with you from first meeting five years earlier, when you were single and he had a girlfriend whom he since married.

In my response last time, I warned against an affair, and suggested your feelings were more about fantasy than driving passion, since neither of you took it further.

I wrote then, “You may need more in your (current) relationship — of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.”

Now, six months later, on the brink of moving away with your husband, you do not mention loving him, and yearn for your “best chance.”

Your co-worker’s not seizing any chance.

He’s still being flirty, with an offhand remark. He’s no risktaker, neither in his job nor his relationship.

He just likes the fun of seeing your response.

Instead of asking about his feelings, take a closer look at your own regarding your marriage.

Maybe, as you hint, it’s not the “best” you can have. Instead of lighting a fire that can burn you, talk to a counsellor, on your own, to explore what’s missing at home.

You say you don’t want an affair.

But you’re headed for years of restless dissatisfaction unless you confront your true feelings about your life. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.