Parents divorce, children don’t

Q After I went through painful medical procedures and two miscarriages, my husband and I adopted a child.

Now with our son age seven — with hockey and swimming his favourite activities and one or both of us always cheering him on — my husband’s decided he wants a divorce. He’s met someone else, younger. She’ll probably want children of her own. I can’t understand how he can turn away from the commitment he made to give this child the happy, stable life he deserves. I feel that the man I once trusted for life has lost his moral compass.

How do I handle this terrible hurt and loss of respect? Beyond Upset

A You’re shocked and personally devastated, which is natural when divorce is initiated.

But don’t anticipate that this father will drop his commitment to a boy he’s loved and raised.

It’s unfair to both of them. They may pick up your mistrust, which can affect their relationship. Your expectation involving co-parenting has to be mutual — the child is not “divorced.”

It’s possible to have a workable agreement on joint custody and child support, access to visiting, separate weekend and vacation time, as well as necessary accommodations.

To do so, you must ignore any wish to punish your husband through your child, or an attitude that will force the boy to choose only one loyalty.

Your husband’s choice is an unfortunate reality of life in our society.

Your pain is real, but try to keep it between you and him. It’s harmful for your son to be put in the middle of it.