Why is dating so awful — and other questions
Dating can elicit anything from excitement, to frustration to dread. The Citizen spoke to local dating coach Irene Yarkoni to get some insight, and some advice.
Q Why is dating such a horrible experience for so many people? A Most people experience disappointment or frustration in dating and relationships because of the huge discrepancy between what they want and what they get. They go out on a date they expect to be perfect. They think they’ll meet someone, then they’ll become happy. And they continue looking with the hope there is someone out there who will answer all their wishes.
While it is good to know what you want, the problem is, when you meet someone you like, you want them to have all the qualities on your list. But can you expect one person to have everything you want in a mate?
The recurrence of disappointing experiences leaves people emotionally hurt, and often reluctant to meet more people and go on more dates.
My advice to those who seem to have lost hope is:
Accept failure and frustration are meant to lead you in a better direction. You can get to a better place by understanding your mistakes and expecting a more positive experience next time.
Be courageous. Don’t be afraid to take an emotional risk. To truly love, our shields need to come down.
Be prepared! Learn whatever you can about dating so you can avoid “traps.” You can make a big leap forward by just assimilating the right information.
Try to define very clearly what kind of relationship you want to be in. Really describe it to yourself in details. This will make it easier to find out who your potential mate could be!
Q What’s the biggest dating mistake people make?
A Men and women generally make different dating mistakes, but the more substantial mistakes are shared by both genders; for example: creating too high expectations (expecting perfection), or not observing the fine balance between talking and listening in a conversation, etc.
Q Has social media made us better or worse at dating? Why?
A I think technology can make connecting personally more challenging. Written words cannot replace face to face contact, and online “relationships” often do not materialize into real life relationships. Human communication, according to Prof. Albert Mehrabian, is only seven per cent verbal, and the rest non-verbal (body language 55 per cent and tone of voice 38 per cent). So, while we may pass information quite effectively online, we can’t always detect the absolute “feeling ” of the message.
My take on it is, only using social media and dating sites as the pool from which to meet people is OK, provided you meet them in person soon after the first introduction.
Q What’s the most important part of compatibility?
A Shared values can form an alliance between two partners. Accepting one another for who they are is vital to the success of a relationship. This is easier at the beginning of dating and becomes more challenging as you get to know each other, and discover traits that you don’t like. Remember, it is not the job of your mate to be the person you want them to be. It is rather your job to find ways to like your mate. To live in harmony you need to continuously aspire to turn your weaknesses into strengths and make improvements for the sake of the relationship. This will result in personal growth and the expansion of your relationship.
Compatibility may be overrated. It is a lot more important to be with a mate who is kind, emphatic, caring, reasonable, tolerant, and communicative, than someone with similar background and interests.