HUSBAND’S ULTIMATUM AMID ILLNESS

Q I’ve been ill for three of my four married years. I’ve now been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis. It’s chronic, painful, and incurable.

Medications and physiotherapy help somewhat, but our sex life’s irregular — from two to three times weekly to once a month. Sometimes sex is extremely painful.

My husband’s been supportive but increasingly frustrated. He’s said that he cannot live this miserably and with uncertainty regarding a physical relationship. I cannot offer him certainty of a regular sex life. I’ve considered finding a third person to meet his needs, but found no one yet. He’s asked that I find a solution within a set timeline or else he’s out.

Time Running Out

A Interstitial cystitis causes severe chronic bladder pain, plus pain in the remaining pelvic regions. You’re suffering far more than he is.

Since sex still can happen between two to three times weekly and once monthly, adding alternatives like masturbation and oral sex for him could provide more regular satisfaction.

Unless he’s scared for the long-term implications, and really wanting out. His issuing of a threatening timeline indicates that.

A “third-person-solution” is problematic. Your husband could become emotionally attached. You could become jealous of his time with another.

Talk to your doctor together. Seek other helpful treatments (dietary changes may benefit this condition).

Seeing a sex therapist together could also be informative and add positive ideas. But your husband has to accept what being supportive really means: Adjusting to blameless circumstances, and trying hard to make the marriage work for both of you.