THE THREE AGES OF LOVE
Is a ‘good enough’ marriage really a good reason to stay? Not anymore, an expert says
’Til death do us part may still be part of traditional marriage vows, but it’s not a phrase in the lexicon of Avivah Wittenberg-Cox.
“If your husband of many decades, with whom you have lived, loved and raised kids, is not interested in working on your relationship, you should change your partner,” says Wittenberg-Cox, CEO of 20-first, a gender-balance consultancy, and author of Late Love: Mating in Maturity (Motivational Press, 2018). “I don’t think that’s necessarily catastrophic. As we live longer — to 80, 90, 100 … we will see more transitions through love, as we do with work.”
Your marriage may be OK, but is “good enough” really a good enough reason to stay once you’ve turned 50?
Wittenberg-Cox believes we should consider the advice of Margaret Mead, the anthropologist, who said we all have three great loves in us — the romantic one of youth and discovery; the stable partner for child rearing and homebuilding; and the adventurous freespirited partner for the third age of life when we want to redefine ourselves. (These can even be the same person if you and your partner keep growing together.)
Wittenberg-Cox followed this path, albeit unintentionally: a handsome Frenchman in her early 20s (“passionate, a good dancer, a tender lover”); the husband and father of her two children, with whom she spent 22 years; and for the past seven years, Tim, an old friend who turned out to be her “soulmate.”
This last relationship began after she asked her husband for a divorce. “My ex-husband couldn’t understand or accept my decision, and it was a very painful time for everyone.”
But Wittenberg-Cox refuses to be painted as some stereotypical villain. “We need to change the narrative from this extraordinarily negative frame of divorce and rupture, into something positive — a wonderful human aspirational story, where two people can lean in to a constructive opportunity for growth.
“...Remember, this is the first mass generation of highly educated Baby-boomer women who have earned money all their lives. A different breed of women and not necessarily what educated Boomer men expected, or want to work with. The men may think they are doing what they are supposed to be doing — not fooling around, earning money — and they think that is enough.”
So, she has no sympathy with a man who finds himself being dumped from this type of stereotypical marriage. “None of us are responsible for the happiness of any other person. We don’t have to fix other humans.
“Men change at work all the time because it is a higher priority for them. But they ignore the invitation from partners at home to grow and expand their skills. I don’t buy that they can’t do it.
“They may not want to do it, the way they are asked may not be best way. But there is an opportunity in your 50s and 60s to redefine the rest of your life, and that may mean a last gasp at a real relationship and love.”
What if you ask your partner to change, they refuse, you leave — and don’t find a great new love? Anecdotal evidence from mid-life daters would suggest genuinely interesting new loves are thin on the ground. Especially if you’re a woman over 50.
Wittenberg-Cox is not having that as an excuse for staying in a dull marriage either. “Among the people I interviewed for my book,” she says, “I found those who were independent and determined enough to leave were mature and happy on their own. But if they did want another partner, they went out to find them.”
What she thinks is important, though, is that between finding a new love and dumping the old, one needs to look inside and self-reflect: “It’s hard to move on if you’re desperate, needy or unhappy. Breakups are crises — and crises are clarifying. They are full of growth opportunities.”
Some, of course, will feel financially tied. “The evidence shows that women who leave marriages may be less well off financially, but are happier. We have this dominant narrative that money is everything but what’s right about selling your soul to keep yourself warm?”
She emphasizes that she is “not telling people to leave their spouses. But if the only reason to stay is because you are short of money, then get a job.”
Nor does leaving have to be acrimonious, she points out. “Most want to leave well and lovingly, but they don’t know how. But, again, it’s like a work situation. We know not to slam the door there. You have to prepare, get people on board, if you have children you will have to stay connected as co-parents.”
If you do want to stay in your present marriage but upgrade the thing itself, how best to approach it?
“What we need changes over the course of a partnership. The older you get, the more intimacy you want, the more love, the more focus on the relationship itself.
“You have to have the intention; to proactively want to stay with them. You need to say: ‘Let’s reignite this, let’s have a conversation.’ No bitching or moaning but visualizing what you will become next, and motivating each other.”
“Love is like art. You can become masterful if you work on it. You know, we are all practising mindfulness and yoga — but we should be practising love. It’s much more fun.”