Husband’s zingers anything but funny
My husband believes teasing is very funny — especially, when I’m the recipient.
He’ll react to something I’ve said or how I look, with mock sympathy. Then he’ll do a “comic” riff on it — “Are you sweating going upstairs because you’ve gained 10 pounds, or is this the furnace’s fault?”
He’ll hang close hoping for a reaction, thoroughly enjoying if I start to get upset. Mostly, I just walk away. But he’s even more persistent at teasing me when we’re with friends. He’ll tell stories which he calls “her latest mess-up.”
It can be anything from a small computer error — pressing Send before I finished the document and having to resend it — to a new recipe I tried that wasn’t great.
Otherwise, he’s a very good husband. We love each other, have good kids and enjoy similar activities.
It’s ONLY the teasing that I hate.
He doesn’t get it how much he suddenly makes me feel hurt, embarrassed and disrespected. Am I Overreacting?
No, you’re not overreacting, and yes, he does get it that you hate being teased. That’s why he does it. It’s his passive-aggressive “control” mode. Especially when he teases you in public.
Until you confront him about why he does it, he’ll continue.
Meanwhile, the good feelings you have for him “otherwise” may erode. I cannot guess at what’s driving him to make “joking” put-downs, but you can. Is there a power imbalance elsewhere, for example in child rearing, finances, educational background or that of your families? Or, how you were each raised?
When you think you have a plausible reason, talk to him about it.
Be clear that while he gets a few laughs for himself or from friends (some friends!), you feel demeaned and hurt by the man who supposedly loves you.
Then suggest you both attend counselling to deal with the teasing and its cause.
Reader: Regarding the recently separated father whose teenage-to-grown children won’t speak to him.
While your reply is true — “it’s wrong to cast blame one way”
— it ignores many fathers’ valid claims of purposeful parental alienation initiated by children’s mothers.
You’re correct that “ex-spouses often blame the partner who left.” But in a majority of cases it’s the mother who feels she’s the supposed aggrieved.
Barring abuse, most marriage failures are a result of both parties’ behaviour.
Yet the court system is bent on affording the mother custody of the children with “visiting privileges” for the father, and not enforcing openly shared parenthood.
It’d be more beneficial to the children if it were recognized that a large number of loving fathers have been living their post-marriage lives appropriately but are faced with undue influencing of children’s behaviour toward them.
Ellie: I agree and courts are increasingly realizing that joint custody is usually better for the children.