Be careful: Dating is no ‘game’

Q: I’m getting back into the dating game after a long period of frustration and loss. I’m open to either fun, romantic friendships, or a potential serious relationship — but only with people who are single. I’m a busy person and want to maximize my time with friends and potential partners. How soon should I be open about my personal circumstances? I don’t want to scare anyone off, but want to avoid misunderstandings. I’m also conscious of maintaining personal safety.

A: You’ve already learned some hard lessons in what you call the dating game. Here is a reminder about some other dating realities.

Basically, you don’t want your dating life to be a “game.” So, openness on your part is important. Be aware that the other person needs to open up, too, or you can fool yourself into thinking everything is fine.

Also, there has to be some mutual exchange about “personal circumstances” early on.

These include whether someone is truly “single,” or separated and still connected to an ex, that person’s level of involvement with children, the number of past serious relationships, and whether they live alone or with family, roommates, etc.

Such details can come back and bite you if either you or someone you’re dating is withholding them.

On safety issues: Be alert to any red flags. Don’t go alone to a new date’s place, and trust your gut instinct if something doesn’t feel right.

Finally, your current approach sounds like the beginning of a dating site profile. Remember, until you meet in person, the responses can be what they think you want to hear, or even direct lies.

Your past experiences shouldn’t haunt you, but use them to protect yourself.

READER’S COMMENT

Regarding the widower, 66, whose close female friend is 20: “Relationships can be hard. I’m 40 years older than my friend, who is 31. We’re in a committed long-term relationship, but figuring out what that means is challenging.

“... When people see us in public they can tell we’re ‘together.’ Mostly, men don’t react, but older women are disapproving.” Ellie: You’re correct about attitudes about what used to be called May-December romantic unions.

I’ve received such responses from older women.

Example: “It’s beyond disgusting. Friendship is fine but no more.

“I’m an 81-year-old great grandmother … yuck!!”