Older men face a dating dilemma
Pursuing younger women doesn’t always lead to love, study suggests
The course of true love never did run smooth — and especially not for men, it seems.
New research suggests that, when it comes to the minimum and maximum ages that men and women consider acceptable for a new sexual partner, women tend to opt for someone of similar maturity. Men, however, are less willing to restrict themselves. So as a man grows older, while the upper age limit of his prospective partners rises, his lower limit hardly changes. And this could be a problem — for him, at least.
While the likes of Mick Jagger, Hugh Grant or Leonardo Di Caprio appear to have little trouble attracting younger women, these men may well be the exception, rather than the rule: The study of more than 2,500 people by researchers at Abo Akademi University in Finland suggests older men interested in younger women might be condemned to a life of unrequited love.
“Their potential interest in younger women is not likely (to be) converted into sexual activity,” the authors write delicately.
However, in the same way that youth fades, so too does a middle-aged man’s impression of his attractiveness to women young enough to be his daughter. As a man hits his 50s, he is more likely to consider a woman of his own vintage worthy of pursuit.
It is a conclusion that Ed, 46, arrived at a few years early — that, having tried for some time, dating younger women was a non-starter. Having separated from the mother of his two teenage sons in his mid40s, the IT manager by trade was keen to get back on to the dating scene. He was, however, unprepared for what he found there.
“After a 20-year relationship, I began online dating,” he says. “I was talking to girls in their 20s because those were the ones I felt most attracted to. But none seemed interested. All they wanted to do was send me titillating pictures of themselves. When I tried to take things further, they ghosted me. I hadn’t expected them to be so immature.”
Trial and error eventually taught Ed that women his own age were a better bet.
For other older men, it’s the technology that throws them. Dating a “digital native” — part of the generation born or brought up with digital technology — when you are anything but is no easy proposition.
As Michele Kurland, a TV executive producer, says: “What often happens is (when) men suddenly become single, it’s quite hard for them to get back into a relationship. Where do you go? What do you do? If you’re older, you’re not used to online dating.”
Jonathan, 68 and divorced, has chosen a different route, becoming a client of a dating agency instead of turning to Tinder. But with four adult daughters — and a sensible approach to the practicalities of relationships — he has his sights set on a woman his own age.
“If you are with someone 20 years younger, they ’ve probably got a different life experience,” he says.
“When you get to a certain age, you start to creak at the seams. If you’re dating someone younger, there may well be a mismatch in your pace of life.”
But finding the right age match is not the only challenge that men on today’s fast-paced, often cutthroat dating scene must contend with. As is often the case, many men struggle when it comes to emotional intimacy.
“Older women are good at keeping female friendships, at networking and at keeping up with their favourite activities,” Kurland says. “Sometimes, older men lose the art of dating. They can become a bit isolated if they have been widowed or made redundant. I think it comes down to confidence. Men aren’t always as good at talking about their feelings, but saying you’re lonely and want to meet someone is the first stage to finding a partner.”
Yet whatever threats and challenges the dating world throws out, Kurland has one piece of advice that applies to all men: “If you like someone,” she says, “you have to take a bit of a risk.”
(Some names in this article have been changed.)