Heave-ho the heartache, dispense with despair
Q My son and his then-girlfriend broke up shortly after having a baby, five years ago.
He pays child support but the mother allows only her family in my grandchild’s life. She sends me nasty, hurtful emails, including that I’ll never see my grandson even on my deathbed!
She’s manipulative and controlling. She convinced my son that, because the baby lived with her, to give up his rights.
He won’t stand up to her. I’ve not seen my grandchild since a first birthday celebration in a roomful of her relatives.
My husband passed away and never got a visit. How can someone be so cruel?
We’ve welcomed her into our home, bought gifts, which she emailed me that she’s thrown away. There’s no rhyme or reason with this immature mid20s woman.
Sad Grandmother
A You need to move on from this painful loss. You’ve had no relationship with the child, so unless your son grows a spine, you’re unlikely to have one.
They were both young and immature when she got pregnant. He caved to giving up all paternal rights, though he’s responsible enough (and legally obliged) to pay support.
He can return to court to seek visiting rights. But if his ex remains that dominating, and court costs are a factor, it seems unlikely.
Meanwhile, you still have a life to live. Wallowing in despair is unhealthy and achieves nothing. Neither does dwelling on antipathy to the mother of your grandchild.
Q I don’t condone harassment or abuse to, or by, either sex.
At age eight or nine, I attended an all-boys private school in England; the headmaster was an autocratic ex-army colonel.
Saturday mornings, I attended craft sessions, where I was molested several times by the headmaster. After several weeks, I refused to go. My parents asked why. I told them.
There was no outrage directed at me, just calm action toward him. I received the balance of my education there free, presumably to prevent a scandal.
Even so young, I knew right from wrong, thanks to my upbringing. I told the truth right then, not many years later. So I question why people don’t take action promptly and directly against their abusers, after such an event.
Are careers, jobs, movie roles, etc. more important than selfworth? If I had the courage so young to tell the truth, why can’t they?
Why Delay Reporting Abuse?
A Many childhood abuse victims did not have parents who believed them. Your abuse was horrific, but you were lucky your parents who took action.
For adults in the workplace, abuse often threatens basic survival, not just ambition or fame.
People in factory jobs with families to feed, young adults in career courses to secure their future and struggling and aspiring actors, too, have been led to believe they have to just take it — because of the culture of acceptance by people who didn’t believe abuse reports.
That’s why there’s a much-needed movement for change. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.