No shortage of opinions on marital sex — or lack thereof

When it comes to other people’s sex lives, opinions flow strong and free about how people should respond to a partner with little interest in sex, or to one who’s constantly wanting more.

It happened again, when a man wrote me that he’s found a comfortable solution to feeling sex-deprived by a wife whose tiredness and faded libido had reduced their sexual frequency to once or twice a month (May 4).

Previously, he’d been feeling rejected and depressed, impatient with his young kids.

Now, “I’ve consciously lowered my libido to her level. … I’ve stopped bothering her.” I called it “an intelligent accommodation.” Reader No. 1: This relationship has become sterile, asexual. They now sleep in separate beds.

It’s the path to becoming roommates who share a house and kids, and eventually a separation or divorce.

Both partners, even under stresses of career and childrearing, should continue to have some passionate love and mutual desire. Sex is a healthy part of marriage, meeting each other’s needs is key, too. He castrated his own needs and this marriage seems likely to fail on so many levels, including intimacy.

I’m a new father of an eightmonth-old and my wife and I have the exact issues with juggling double careers and sex.

I turn to porn instead of “bothering ” her and we’ve become increasingly distant for it.

Should I forego my primary marital relationship and focus instead on my son? This would be sad for me.

Equally Frustrated

Ellie: You are not this man, even though you’re experiencing a similar phase in marital life.

Most couples adjust over time, some sooner than others. You will, because you’re aware of the situation from the start.

If one partner rejects sex, there should be willingness to have a doctor check for any medical issues, and/or a therapist to discuss any psychological issues.

The writer’s wife was unwilling. That’s unfair. But her position as main breadwinner may have affected his acceptance of her decision.

Their whole dynamic can change. She’ll have to recognize this — their intimacy and relationship can both improve, or fail completely.

Reader No. 2: After several years of marriage, my wife lost interest in sex, which she found painful.

She didn’t want counselling or to see her doctor, so I realized I’d have to take care of myself. For me, sex is only a part of a relationship, and, fortunately, I don’t have a strong sex drive.