Tell him to get help — then walk away

Q I re-connected with a man I’d met in our early 20s, following his separation. He’s self-employed with a young son.

We spent alternating weekends together, as I lived elsewhere. It was good.

When I was laid off, he insisted I move in with him. The rent would be much lower. I did it and found a job.

After half a year, he started randomly getting very angry.

He’d discovered his exwife’s cheating and now just tolerates her for his son’s sake.

I noticed a connection between interactions with her every weekend and his “man tantrums,” after which he runs off to his work studio for alone time.

He has huge savings from inheritance, got half the house money upon separation, has good income from his work, yet he doesn’t pay off any debt.

He has also stopped sharing house chores or errands. Initially, I was on unemployment insurance and did most of that, but now I work full time.

He refuses to share a grocery budget and complains constantly about life being “expensive.”

His anger became so bad — connected to his inability to sleep — we sought counselling. I lost my first job partly due to my being tired and cranky after sleepless fight nights.

I do love him. He makes me laugh. I love his son, too. But he’s become more angry at me than happy, always blaming me. One fight lasted till the next day with him insulting me and acting crazy.

His individual therapy seemed helpful, but when it ended he got worse again. Our couples’ counselling didn’t go well — he got angry on our fourth session.

I just want him to be like the person he was when we first met, not this very selfcentred, angry man. A You’ll never know the answer until you leave. So far he’s had no reason to change — other than selfinterest due to sleep problems. You’re always there for the next round of outbursts and accusations.

This man needs serious professional help — a doctor to examine his sleep issues, and a therapist who’ll probe his attitude toward money (having plenty and feeling broke), and anger management regarding the triggers and his overreaction.

It won’t happen from a few short sessions.

Meanwhile, you need to feel safe. And so does his young son — a fact which may provide your best approach to your leaving.

Tell him his behaviour is frightening, emotionally abusive, and may even become physically harmful to himself and others.

He must stick with therapy for his child’s sake as well as his own.

Then, leave. The future is unknown, but the present is intolerable.