Love isn’t a numbers game

Readers responded to the question asked by Moral Compass — how many sexual partners are considered too many?:

Reader 1: Before I’d turned 20, my first true love committed suicide and left me with a gaping emptiness. I went through a short phase of partying to numb the pain I was feeling.

I also had multiple sexual partners in a short time because I couldn’t cope with my loneliness. This behaviour continued for several months before close friends helped me recognize the dangerous lifestyle I was living.

I saw doctors, ensured I was free of sexually transmitted infections and did what I could to turn my life around. Because of this, I’d had more sexual partners before turning 20 than I was comfortable about.

When new relationships started to form and pasts were discussed, many people couldn’t see past the number of partners I’d had in such a short time. Those connections often ended before they really had a chance to begin.

This was due to harsh judgment rather than an honest understanding of a traumatic event that still affects me. I’m almost 40 now, and though my number is high, very few will take into account that most of those sexual contacts happened in a three-to-four-month span. In the 20 years after, I’ve only had three new sexual partners.

Perhaps Moral Compass and the group of friends discussing

this, should realize that a person shouldn’t be judged by the choices they made, but how they’ve grown because of them. Reader 2: Even today we view men as being the conquerors and women being the conquered. The more sexual partners a man claims, the more he’s seen as a great hunter.

What does this say of women who are viewed as past conquests? In some cases, they’re seen as being easy or needy or lacking self-confidence. I know many men who have little regard for a woman they deemed as being easily conquered several times.

Meanwhile, neither the number of partners nor their sex has

any bearing on a person’s moral compass. Whether people are kind and compassionate to others says a lot more about them than their sexual past. See the person, not the number.

Reader 3: As a male, I think 500 by age 25 is not only acceptable, but should be encouraged. But for females, any more than three by age 30 and she’s a slut.

If you know any such females, please forward my contact information to them.

Ellie — Several men wrote similarly joking responses which made the point: Numbers don’t tell the story.