Mother must protect herself, son
Q My husband of 23 years has always been stern, but never physically abusive. He’s also very smart, well-spoken and loves to brag about his children’s smarts and abilities (daughter, 20, and son, 16).
But his issues with our son, building over five years, have now reached a crisis. He’s controlling, using put-downs and bullying to scare my son, who decided to not play football. His father’s in a rage and has texted mean and hateful things to him.
He’ll give us both the silent treatment if I decide anything related to our son without discussing it with him. It’s his way or the highway. It causes us distress and anxiety, and created an unhealthy dynamic between the three of us. Any breaking of his perceived rules means, to him, that he’s disrespected.
His anger issues started to escalate 10 years ago over a family/ business matter. He’s stopped speaking with seven family members due to perceived slights. I’m concerned that he’ll do the same to us if I ask for a temporary separation. I also worry that if things worsen, it’ll set up a bad adult relationship with his son.
I saw a counsellor (one visit) but haven’t told him yet, worried it’ll make matters worse. I want to stand up for my son. Feeling Lost
A You must protect your son and yourself from the irrational behaviour and bullying of his father. Even if your daughter’s being spared, she’s negatively affected by the stress in the home.
The father-son relationship is already at risk. See your counsellor privately so you can make a decision very soon. Discuss how to alert your husband that he must attend counselling/anger management, too.
And how to help him understand that rage over the boy leaving football isn’t worth destroying his son’s self-worth and inner confidence. Otherwise, a separation from you and both children may well be your only way for him to realize the seriousness of the situation.
However, if you fear he’ll become physically abusive, make a safe plan to leave — perhaps phrased as a vacation for a few weeks with the children. If it becomes necessary to just get away fast to a safe place, do so privately (use a library’s computer to make arrangements) and leave when he’s out. Be prepared to call police for help.