Could old flame become a new fire?

Q I’m wondering how much contact with an old flame is appropriate when you’re in a married relationship. My wife keeps in touch with her first love and I worry that she still has feelings for him.

She has shared personal information with him about our relationship, letting him know when we’ve been having problems with our marriage or children. Although I realize I can’t control who my wife sees and talks to, I feel this is disrespectful to me. Especially when she’s said she’s not interested in marriage counselling. Her First Love

A What’s appropriate in serious relationships is best decided by mutual agreement. But that’s not happening here.

You’re right that partners shouldn’t try to control each other’s contacts. But you’re also right that she’s being disrespectful to you by sharing private information about your marital and family problems.

Of course, we know best friends sometimes do confide that stuff. However, one’s first love is not the most neutral bestie. And her divulgences can subtly (or not so subtly) be encouraging both of them to fondly “Remember when …”

In other words, it can be taken by him as a sign of interest on her part, even if she’s convinced herself that she’s safe to confide in her past lover.

So what should you do? Accusing her of being disrespectful only deals with blame and takes you further apart. Ask her, instead, to talk to you about what she thinks can help your relationship. Listen. Don’t argue, try to prove her wrong or rush to defend yourself. Respond by telling her what you’d like to see happen, what changes you can make and what ones you’d hope she’d consider making.

If you can have that conversation, you two have a chance and she won’t need to tell all to the other guy. If you can’t have that conversation, go to counselling yourself since she won’t go.

Q My daughter is with a mentally abusive man who she defends. They both drink daily, but they’ve managed to keep good careers.

They have a sweet toddler whom I love. I can barely tolerate this man and he hates me. Please advise. A Very Sad Mom

A Stay close and involved with your young grandchild. To have that access, you also need to try harder to tolerate your daughter’s partner when in his presence. It does not mean rewarding his abusive nature. If he’s behaving badly in your presence, walk away. If you see your daughter crying, very troubled or frightened, urge her to think about what she can do to protect herself and her child.

That’s when you can open the door to her acknowledging to herself the difficulties in her relationship. Don’t expect her to thank you for raising this. Don’t focus on her drinking, not now.

Don’t list your own complaints about this man. Keep it about her. She’s likely feeling stuck in a situation that she knows is far from perfect. She also has to keep up her career — an easy rationale for not rocking the boat.

Be clear that you’re there for her if she needs you. I believe she will, in time.

However if abuse escalates, cry “danger” loudly, and, especially if it’s directed at the child, alert police.