Stop thinking about bad ex

Q My on-off boyfriend of three years had bad anger problems and stopped affection and intimacy the last two years.

After we broke up eight months ago, I dated a guy from my past. We’re living together, but I still think about my ex.

I saw on social media that he’s dating a girl. I keep looking online to see her posts. She calls him her “king,” he calls her his “queen.”

My current boyfriend is a great guy, supportive, kind, sweet, everything a girl could want. So why am I still thinking about my crappy ex?

Troubled

A The possible answers to that question are more about you, than him.

A “crappy” partner is just that. Did he change for his “queen?” Maybe not, since social media posts portray what people want you to think. And it’s still early days for them.

Back to you. Consider these possibilities:

1) That your unfortunate role model for a “partner” from your past may be someone who was emotionally distant and angry.

2) That you lack self-esteem and stayed for two bad years without just telling yourself and him, “I deserve better.” Now, you have a “great guy.” Work on seeing yourself as the great woman he’s lucky to have found. If you still find that mindset difficult, get to counselling. And stop reading that woman’s posts or you’ll be looking for crummy guys again.

Q We’ve been married for 35 years. We don’t sleep together. We don’t have sex anymore.

I started viewing porn and she began freaking out. We still love each other. How can we save what we have?

Want More Than This

A Talk love, not sex.

Say how you feel about her, what she does that makes you laugh, how you miss her sometimes.

Ask her what she loves about you and what you do that makes her laugh.

Hug her. Bring her flowers. Hold her hand. Suggest that you lie together in the bed sometimes.

Avoid porn; she likely sees it as an insult to her.

When you’re feeling closer, ask her why you two stopped having sex. Does it hurt her? Has she asked her doctor about what can help? Perhaps she needs more cuddling, more time to build desire. Ask her what you can do to make it better.