Real friendship is a two-way street
Q My once-best friend of five years and I first met online. I was 18, she was 22.
I supported her through several relationship issues with various guys. After breaking up with her last boyfriend, she moved alone into an apartment.
However, two weeks later she was “swept off her feet.”
She told me that the new guy lives off disability due to a back injury. He’s 12 years her senior, has two sons from his previous marriage, and was living alone in a rented room. Red flags, to me.
When we were having a girls’ night in her apartment, he texted that he was outside. I was left in her apartment for almost two hours while she had sex in his truck in the parking lot. I was angry.
When I finally met him, he said he’d “destroy me” in bed due to my small stature … in front her.
Our friendship became more distant after that as she was completely absorbed by him. He moved in and they bought a house together with her money.
Now she works over 60 hours a week while he collects disability.
She’s also paying for lawyers to get his two children back.
I told her I didn’t like him, or how she’s treated me since she’s been with him. I said I’d like a second chance to get to know him.
A year later, they were engaged according to Facebook. I congratulated her, but was told I wasn’t invited because it was going to be a small “family” gathering.
I sent congratulations and other cards but she never asked about MY life. When they married, I “liked” the photos to show my support, but was unsure if I should message her.
Now, two weeks after the wedding, she’s finally deleted me from her social media. Should I have sent a card or send one now? Or is my friend gone for good? Lost Friend?
A She was desperate to marry and hasn’t been your good friend for years. “Best” friends deserve more caring and the respect of mutual interest in each other’s lives.
Your much-longer letter mentioned mostly texts between you, most seeming all about her.
Despite the prevalence of text and social media, being truly connected means giving time to a friend, asking questions, sharing confidences and fun … even if there’s a boyfriend waiting.
She may one day need you again, but unfortunately it’s unlikely to ever be an equal friendship.
It’s not her way.
Q I’m at a loss as to what to say to a lovely lady who has had several rounds of chemo, and finally, she was given a verdict that her lung cancer is incurable. She has six months to one year left to live.
I see her several times a week. She puts on a smile. She takes care of herself, looks beautiful and healthy.
I’m terrified of saying something inappropriate to her, so I avoid conversation. Need Some Guidance
A You already have the right approach in you by your concern.
But, trust me, so long as she’s able and willing to see people, she wants you to make conversation, not stay silent or grieve before it’s time.
Talk of the good times in her life, including any that you shared with her, and of the pride for her and any humour involved in those memories. Be open about your feelings for her. That’s why you’re there.
TIP OF THE DAY
Don’t mistake a mostly-text relationship for a close friendship if there’s only one-way needs and self-interest.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2018: Ellie Tesher Distributed by: Torstar Syndication Services