It’s not easy losing the love of your life

Q I’m a gay man whose partner of 20 years died 18 months ago. We had enjoyed an incredibly happy life together — never apart from our first meeting, working together in a successful field, travelling to faraway places.

I’d married briefly at 19, and had a daughter who was a part of our life, so, eventually, we also had a grandchild whom we saw regularly and adored. We were lucky in so many ways.

My partner’s sudden accidental death has left me still stunned, lonely and unsure how to proceed with my life.

I went online to a website for gay relationships but the whole idea of searching through a shopping list of strangers to find someone new, felt shallow, disloyal and depressing. How do people move on after losing the love of their life?

Lost

A One step at a time. Then, one day at a time. That’s how people who’ve been devastated by a loss, try to start emerging from the depths of grief.

Some seek counselling just to talk or start yoga instruction just to move. Some search their religious beliefs, seeking meaning.

The majority simply go out their door and do what’s necessary to survive.

It’s not easy, there’s no one formula that works, only the certainty that you’re not alone in the world, because others have been through this and survived.

It may help you to consider this effort as a way of honouring your relationship by using all your strength and will to carry on.

It may help to devote some time to fulfilling special plans, again in his honour — e.g. a charitable project he cared about, an event celebrating his life with people you shared, etc.

Whether or not you had some grief counselling at the time of loss, consider re-visiting that process. You may need professional guidance to learn how to give yourself permission to move on.